Love: From The Perspective Of Someone With ASPD

Ah, my first love. I met him in a chemistry class we shared in college, and the first words I've ever said to him was, "YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU STOLE MY EARPHONES." He was 16 during those times and I was 17.

We were both well known in the campus, actually. Him being a soccer player and being friends with fellow popular jocks while I was an infamous 'middle-of-the-school-year' transferee from a very popular university. Think of it as going from an ivy league to a good but not popular school.

One of my friends was close to him and we would all smoke outside of the university. The first time we did that, he stole my earphones and I added him on Facebook to curse him. He would then talk to me everyday, and as CLICHE as it may sound, I started liking him because I managed to scrape the surface of the 'popular fuckboy.'

After a month of talking, he visited me at my dormitory near school. He ended up spending the night because of our movie marathon. That was also the first time he kissed me LOL. We never had an official courting of some sort, it just sort of happened.

He thought I was "chill" with not having an established relationship, but I soon became greedy. Lucky for me, it was a case of 'sex buddies fell in love.' We started going out as BF/GF and people at school all knew about us.

It lasted for 6 months, and those 6 months is my longest and most serious relationship to date.

I got into an accident with my shoulder, and for the sake of privacy, I'll just say that his college major had to do with restoring injuries. He wanted to quit this major and switch to engineering (his family's composed of engineers), but after my accident, he remained in that major.

Loving this person was almost insanity. Being a person diagnosed with ASPD and having to deal with those pure feelings made our relationship crazy.

I lived far away from my house, it would take 4 hours of driving. He was native to the place and he would always be taking care of me. He would cook or buy me food, help me with my laundry, do groceries, pay bills, and hell, clean my dormitory. The both of us did everything together and it made us feel like we were playing grownups with the hearts of children. My parents are rarely to never around, only providing me money whenever I ask.

My ASPD was almost cured to the point of being gone. I did stuff for this person out of want, I forgave all his negative points because those just made me love him more, we depended on each other because no one understood us better than the other, and I loved with all I've got that when we broke up, it left me broken.

He was the one who broke up with me. Did you know what I discovered? He was also diagnosed with ASPD. The difference between us though was that instead of me being a positive effect for him, I made him worst. I was depressed and had to see the school councillor every single day. I went back to chainsmoking (and has now happily accepted it haha), became an alcoholic, always too high to come to school, and the ASPD went back on full force.

I would always stare at the wall, not knowing what to do. I was lost because I thought during those times that my happiness depended on him. The funniest shit is that fanfiction, manga, anime, TV shows, movies, and music saved me. It all came back to me one by one, and by immersing myself in these loves again made me forget him.

He is my standard of what love is, because a person like me with a long history of her battle with a mental illness actually fell in love. I was my most selfless with him. The only thing that mattered to me was that he was happy.

Ahhhhhhhh THIS IS TOO LONG AND UGLY!!!!! Being a former lit major (now in the biosciences!!!), this unedited, raw, re-telling is giving me the heebie-jeebies. If anyone bothered reading this, kudos to you!!!! I don't think I was able to expound on how much I loved this person, but I'm too lazy to redo it haha.