Hmm, it was when I just turned 17, and was an incoming freshie in uni. He was 3 years older than me and went to a different university. We met online, and our relationship lasted for almost 6 years.
He wasn't the best looking guy (I still get annoyed when people whisper insults when they see him, as if they're perfect.) but he was the best guy for me. However, I feel like I turned this good guy bad. There came a point where he was very controlling, to the point where he didn't want me to text anyone but him. I loved that feeling. It's like he really wanted me. I somehow pictured it as the bright, bubbly me in a world filled with different people, suddenly being taken to a world where only he and I existed. I loved it. I guess I have always been twisted? Anyway, despite my goody-goody image, I became less interested with anyone and anything else besides him. He became my world. I always considered his opinion on everything. I became completely dependent on him. I lost myself when I found him. It took him a long time to finally have the courage to stop what's between us, because he realized how he affected me. I wish he never realized it because I wanted to continue that way. But he felt that he needed to separate from me or I'll never be able to be myself again. He realized this because it came to a point where he had too much in his plate and had less time for me. He felt responsible for me. He felt he was a failure. But the truth is, I was the one who made him like that. Without any other choice, I let him go. But he'd always be in my heart because loving and being loved by him was the best thing that happened to me. Despite the bad things, he actually influenced me positively in a lot of things. He became the purpose of my empty existence.
And now, he's gone.
I still haven't found a new dream or purpose, so I drown myself in manga, anime, tv shows, dramas, films, music and books. (I've basically become a NEET+hikikomori.. :3)
It's okay. I'm okay.
Messages
I found your text very beautiful, because it shares some of my same views on relationships. It's very heartfelt. I also hope you won't hate me for the things I'm about to say, but if you disagree, just say it. You're not obliged to take in any of my opinions, and I'm sure you know it. Sorry for the WALL OF TEXT, tho (●'◡'●)ﾉ
First thing is that you're not "evil" as you describe yourself, because you feel. If you had no regret, no sadness for whatever happened between the two of you, if you didn't get affected, maybe then... but you do not become evil by making mistakes. You become human, and you learn, that's the next step.
I totally agree with the choice of quote by Misheru-senpai, although I've heard it in lots of different ways. Wallowing in a person's feeling and getting comfortable is mostly why we start relationships. We want that different kind of love; not only the cuddles and hugs and kisses but the feeling there's a person there FOR YOU. Love is sometimes very selfish, and ugly, and it unfolds those parts of you and bears you raw in front of that one person. The things we say and do to keep that ONE PERSON next to us... oh boy. We look at ourselves in the mirror and sometimes we see someone we never knew we had in ourselves. Either of you who realized that unknown side first will take an attitude: either fall out of love, or for love, end it. Because we question ourselves more when we're broken than when we're still basking in that continuous comfort we wanted at the beginning. Sometimes we need to break that dependence, because I've learnt somewhere along the way that no matter how much you love someone, you should not be forced to accept all their ugly sides, as much as you are not.
And that's what I believe that quote is about. Reflection. Questioning. Looking at yourself in the mirror, cowardly crying, angry, unnacepted and realizing no, you don't have to be perfect; instead, look back and see YOU being that way with HIM still made some pretty good memories. That means, if that was YOU all along, even if sugar-coated or love-coated, you're not evil. Just failed a bit along the way. Maybe the next time you find someone you want to try it with you're going to think "Oh, whenever I don't get things my way, I do this... I don't like it. Maybe I could try and do this...?" or "I bottle things up a lot. I know I'm going to explode eventually. Maybe if I tell it now...?". Clap at yourself for learning who you are and how to make yourself more confident in dealing with your ugly sides, because that's what makes a relationship harmonious. That's truly when you look at yourself in the mirror and thumbs up yourself. Even your bad sides will do you good someday.You love yourself first.
You'll come to realize as well things are not always entirely on you. Trying to adjust to the comfort TWO people want, TWO people make mistakes. That's just me, but I don't look back on past relationships through rose-tinted glasses. I know where I failed, but I've learnt sometimes when blame was put on me, it wasn't always my fault. Sometimes I was made in the wrong, because surprise, the people you love are human as well, and they also have their ugly sides and are trying to cope with them to make harmony between the two of you. If you love yourself, you'll know whenever it's them who are hurting you, and realize the time it doesn't do you good anymore. Sometimes it's their turn to face their mirrors.
Getting more personal, you spoke to me a lot because of my last relationship. I got too dependant and selfish and tried to fix things near the end and didn't work out. He broke up with me and said "I was hurting because you just lean on my kindness to change for you, but you won't change for me". I cried endlessly, because it was true. But time eventually made me look back and realize he never hinted he wanted me to change my ways, and every time I tried to make him open up, he'd just diss me and say "that's my way". You see how communication was an issue of his, and obliviousness was an issue of mine? Combo, it didn't work very well. But hey, it was cool while it lasted, he was a very good guy. He also had his issues to work and I learnt to love myself more. And I realize I wouldn't want him back, despite everything, because looking back I saw some sides of him the person who I am NOW wouldn't accept and the person he IS won't change.
He's gone, indeed. But you're not. Sadness is fine, and time is needed to face things, but remember who your friends are, open up, take a stroll down the street and breathe fresh air. Have fun by yourself, you're your best company sometimes. Sometimes you'll need a hug, and that your friends or family can give you, tight and loving. Remember saying sorry if you cast them aside, because that hurts as well.
Don't hurry getting better, because you'll only get bitter. You can find a dream or purpose in a sentence, in a book, in a second, that is; but you'll miss it if you don't find peace. If you say you're okay, you're okay; but whenever you feel you're not, reach out, cry, and learn sadness is a fleeting moment. It'll pass, and you'll always come out of it fiercer.
I'll leave you a virtual hug and a long kiss on the (upper) cheek tee-hee, for the sad and the brave you, or whatever you. Because you're cool. (づ￣ ³￣)づ
(Oh, and I know the feeling of dating someone and having them talking about their appearance on your back. My friends say I funded "Do ugly happy" club, and I joke around it because it used to get me upset, but now I don't care. Because it's ME who's dating THEM. If they want to find someone handsome, good for them. But I'm with more beautiful: fulfilling love. :B)
WOW. ⁄(⁄ ⁄·⁄ω⁄·⁄ ⁄)⁄
Thank you very much for your amazing comment. I really appreciate you posting that wall of text. While reading, I just found myself reminiscing and realized how true your words are. I just want to make a permanent copy of that wall of text as a reminder of how being in a relationship really is... Ahh, Ju-on sensei! (づ￣ ³￣)づ
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"Looking at yourself in the mirror, cowardly crying, angry, unnacepted and realizing no, you don't have to be perfect; instead, look back and see YOU being that way with HIM still made some pretty good memories. That means, if that was YOU all along, even if sugar-coated or love-coated, you're not evil. Just failed a bit along the way."
THIS meant a lot to me. Like, yeah, despite me being imperfect, we had really good times together, so it's not like I had to wallow in self-hatred because we're over. Surely, there will be someone else who'd be able to accept my faults, so I should just accept what happened and move on. It's not like HIS world stopped when MINE did.
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"I was hurting because you just lean on my kindness to change for you, but you won't change for me."
If my ex actually said this, I would feel really hurt (but because he never acknowledged his kind support, he never told me this). Hearing your loved one tell you're the reason why they suffer would most likely make you feel like you failed and be insecure. Despite your efforts to make your relationship work, if he wasn't into it anymore, I guess nothing else would change. Like you said, a relationship is supposed to be between TWO people --- not just YOU, not just HIM, but BOTH of you. It was unfortunate that it didn't work out, but I'm glad you learned and earned something memorable from the times you were together.
"And I realize I wouldn't want him back, despite everything, because looking back I saw some sides of him the person who I am NOW wouldn't accept and the person he IS won't change."
Wow. This is just... inspiring, I guess? I feel like you're so strong (at least stronger than me) to be able to bounce back and love yourself more before you self-destructed. ^^
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I can't thank you enough for all the points you made me see. I was too blinded by the thoughts that he did nothing wrong that I had the urge to keep hating and demonizing myself. I kept thinking things like "Even if he did something bad, he only did it because I provoked him," or "He only had to lie because I made him to."
("Because it's ME who's dating THEM. If they want to find someone handsome, good for them. But I'm with more beautiful, fulfilling love." --- I couldn't have said it better. There are a lot of things that only people in the relationship can see and feel, so it's not nice to hear others judge that way. Even though I admire and drool over a lot of handsome guys, mostly in manga and anime, I don't decide who to stay with because of that. If anything, I only want an honest and sincere love. I mean, heck, if my heart is full with that "beautiful, fulfilling love," why should I bother feasting my eyes, right? I can just do that with my manga/anime guys. LOL.)
Actually I don't want to comment on your text, since it really got to me and I can really feel how sad this is while reading it. But I want to tell you something. I can't just leave this page without anything.
First things first, I think I haven't ever fallen in love and I can't really understand that feeling myself. Through Anime, Manga and stuff I can imagine how it is to be in love and to fall from someoe entirely, so please, don't hate me or anything.
There was a K-Drama I watched some time ago "Poison Berry in My Brain". There was the girl who fell in love with a boy and they got together, but as they were dating they change. Someday they were about to break up and she realizes that if they stay as they are, she wouldn't be happy anymore. Her last sentence to him was really amazing: "If I stay with you... Then i wouldn't be able to love myself!" You must have seen the movie to know what she meant. She was a famous writer (later on) and told him nothing about the famous part. He thought that it was out of pity or smth since he wasn't a very successful artist...
However, my point is that sometimes people fall in love with each other, regardless of how they end up destroying each other.
I hope he does understand why you break up.
Thank you for your message. I appreciate you taking time to read my post. ⁄(⁄ ⁄·⁄ω⁄·⁄ ⁄)⁄
I actually haven't seen that drama, but I must check it out soon to know whose role I actually take. :)
I believe we really fell in love, but he could no longer handle it. I don't know if it's just bad timing, but I realized that when I was in love, I could have done something better, but I chose not to, because I was very comfortable and spoiled by his feelings. I feel like we both had shortcomings but I felt like I was more cunning, not wanting to let him go even when he said he no longer felt the same due to the changes in his environment (he's too busy working while I was a bum, so I couldn't exactly understand how stressed he was). It's just lonely to know that he's not the type to look back on his past. So even if I wish that we'd somehow cross paths again, I don't think we'll have another chance. I guess that's only convenient in fiction. *sigh*
I'm not sure why I'm supposed to hate you for what you've written though. Is it because you don't have the actual experience? Hmm, well, for me it doesn't matter much. After all, even from reading manga or watching anime, there are those that are so realistic to the point where you seem to actually experience what the characters do. Also, from reading a lot of manga and watching anime, I felt that a lot of characters I disliked actually mirrored some of my actions in the past, so perhaps that was the reason I disliked them. I guess I've slowly come to accept that I simply have an evil side too. I'm trying to change, though, because I've come to realize that I have to love myself first before I'm able to completely love someone else.
Love comes in various ways, so no love is ever the same. I hope that even when you fall in love and fail, you won't come to hate it completely. After all, amidst all the ugly things love comes with, we can certainly find good memories we can cherish as time passes by. :)
That's what I meant, they way you write and try to express your feelings is really amazing!
The drama is really weird if you ask me. It actually is about her different emotions in her head (like the childish, the pessimistic, the optimistic one...).
About the hate part, there are people who react bad to opinions from people who haven't felt the same way. I don't like to tell someone who got hurt that I can understand him and know how he feels, that feels just wrong to me.
I've read many Manga and watched many Anime too. So much that I can tell that I have lost sense to the reality sometimes. There are girls in my age, trying to spent so much time as they can to fill their youth with love and freedom, but I have decided to stay and watch. I feel that I'm lacking that the most.
However, you're right about loving yourself before trying to fall in love again. I actually heard that qutote somewhere before, but I forgot where... ^^"
Hee~ thank you for the compliment. :3 I have the movie on queue for now (Upon searching, I found out that a Disney Pixar film called Inside Out seems similar. I haven't seen it either so I'm not sure..)
Ohhh, I get what you mean. I personally haven't experienced getting mad for people saying "I understand yada yada" though they haven't really gone through it. In fact, I only realized that was offensive to some after reading lots of manga and watching anime. I quite lack the "actual experience," too, unlike others my age. I guess we're "virtually experienced" in that way. But well, whatever floats our boats, right? Everything has its right timing, maybe it just isn't time for you yet. ^^ You don't really need to be the same as others, as long as you're comfortable and satisfied with what you're doing. (And in this age, there are a lot of people who become successful even by doing things at home and sharing it with the world online.) :D