Ask me anything about BDSM!

is it normal to have more than 1 sub? and do you control everything about your sub?like their friends, outfits, stuff like that
-and this is something i always see, is it a must to have a safeword and after care? i rarely see it mentioned in mangas but i thought it was a general thing in bdsm

i feel a lil weird asking lol! but i was always wondering if pegging feels physically good for women or if it was just about feeling dominant? sorry, I'm not really sure about your gender

Great questions! ^^

Amount of partners: "Normal" is quite relative, it entirely depends on what the people involved agree on :) But as a general observation, I've noticed that poly relationships are a bit more common in BDSM circles than elsewhere, I know people who have multiple partners, not only Doms or switch but subs as well. But in general, no, it wouldn't be frowned upon in kinky circles to have multiple doms or subs, so long as everyone involved is aware and alright with it.

Control: This also changes dynamic to dynamic. Some embrace D/s as a lifestyle where the Dom decides everything starting from clothes and whether they're allowed to go out any given day etc. Some prefer to strictly keep things to the bedroom and not have the dynamic bleed to their everyday lives. Personally, I guess I'm middle road with my sub. I control her body to an extent, she doesn't touch herself without permission and I may some days instruct her to wear a plug/collar throughout the day. Nonetheless, I wouldn't want a complete master-slave relationship where I control everything, though.

Safeword: Okay, so this is a bit more complicated. I know a few (not many, but a few) people who have removed safewords altogether from their play. HOWEVER, I want to emphasize that this is NOT common at all and the couples I know of who've done this have been together for a long time and have a very deep bond of trust where they know exactly what the other needs and what their hard boundaries are. It's a controversial subject and personally I would see it as a huge red flag if I started a relationship with a sub who requested that there wouldn't be any safewords. I wouldn't do it. Even if the word/gesture is never used, I like it to be there.

About aftercare: Usually, having a BDSM session is pretty intense on both parties but especially the sub (especially if they experience total loss of control in the hands of their Dom). Because of that, many people tend to feel drained and even a little disoriented afterwards. There's a phenomenon called the "sub-drop" which refers to an intense feeling of guilt/anxiety after a BDSM session, not because they regret it but because the endorphins (aka chemical compounds in your brain that activate when you feel good) stop. Even if there's no sub-drop, most subs like a bit of aftercare to feel safe and reassured that their Dom is there for them and cares. So yes, it's a common thing and not offering/providing aftercare is generally considered very bad manners, even if it's just a singular session with a partner you won't see again.

Hope this helps and thanks for the questions!

Haha no problem, there are no dumb questions! I'm a (cis) woman :)

In general, pegging is more about the feeling of control and domination and the wearer of the strapon doesn't feel pleasure from the activity alone (other than mentally obviously).

However, there are many strapon harnesses that come with built-in gadgets to stimulate the wearer, such as vibrators. Some even have a double dildo, one for the wearer, the other for the person getting banged :D

Hope this clarifies things! :)

The lack of agency from the subs for sure. A lot of yaoi depicts BDSM as the sub just handing complete control over to the Dom with zero reservations and that from there on out, the sub just loses any and all say in what happens in the relationship. It's obviously not true, my subs for instance always have the control to stop the session, say no to any new kinks I might be interested in trying, suggest new kinks/roleplays etc.

I can't off the top of my head think of a REALISTIC one per se, but I'm currently reading this one called "Private Lessons". It's not perfect by any means and especially at the beginning there's some sketchiness in the dynamic, but out of the ones I've read recently it's on the more realistic end of the spectrum :)

Thanks for the question!

For whatever reason mangago glitched out and removed ALL replies to this topic. If you asked me something and your reply got swallowed, you can PM me!

New replies probably show up normally so if you have further questions, feel free to post them here! :)

Well, what do you know, commenting here brought the replies back, at least for me. So all's good I guess haha

i'm curious about aftercare, as the yaois i've seen don't portray them much,,, how does it work exactly? do both parties just talk or are there other stuff they do?

Is it rare for a Dom to use the safeword?
Do Doms plan out the plays or is it planned with the sub?
How much does it show if the artists really did their research on bdsm in Momentum (chapter 26)? BJ Alex? (Chapters 26-27, 37, 43-44, 52, 72, 84-89)

Talk, cuddle, just goof around. I usually snuggle with my subs, give them verbal reassurement if they want it, tell them they did good, kiss them, stuff like that. If there are physical marks then tend to those. It depends on what the people involved want/need :)

Doms saying the safeword is rarer for sure than subs but not unheard of, the safeword is there for all parties' safety.

As for the plays, the way it works with me at least is that all kinks and parts of play are pre-agreed on. My sub knows what I like to do, I know what she likes, we both know what's off-limits. If I want to introduce something new, I ask the sub in advance how they feel about it and if there's any limitations. Sometimes the sub wants to try something specific and brings it up. But at least in my case, I sometimes plan play sessions and my sub doesn't know what's to come and that's a part of the thrill. I don't, however, just spring new stuff on her on the go.

I haven't read Momentum yet, but I've been meaning to. BJ Alex is kind of hit and miss. It wasn't evident Chan and MD had a safe word until the later chapters and even then, it's been evident that Chan is too stubborn to use it, even if he's not well. Knowing that, the latest chapter kind of made my skin crawl since MD knows Chan won't use the safeword, even if he really doesn't want to touch the other dude. Double red flag for the fact that MD is basically telling Chan, in the situation, that he has to obey or MD will abandon him. You never hang abandonment over your sub's head like that, especially in the middle of a play. You discuss those issues outside the bedroom and you NEVER use the threat of abandonment as a tool to get your sub to do something they don't want to, that's abusive as all hell. And not to mention the chapter with Alex just blindfolding and tying up DG and shoving toys inside him without a warning is a strong no. So, BJ Alex is a mixed bag.

For sure, it's actually pretty common! I used to consider myself a sub, though that was mostly because I bought into the heteronormative view that a girl needs to be submissive. I know a lot of people who start out one end of the spectrum but them become switches/vers later on :) Though, I don't know how many of these people just "discovered" who they fundamentally are instead of changing, if that makes sense.

Thanks for responding!

Is this manga related? Cause no it ain’t


And have you seen play related to piss or shit, only thing I’m hella confused about?

that's awesome and sweet! thank you for extending your knowledge!!!(▰˘◡˘▰)

thanks!!

Since you’ve been a dom for 10 years, would you say you’d have the ‘eye’ for it? Similar to a ‘gay-dar’? Would you be able to spot other Doms as well and how? And what do most of the doms look like or wear?? Sorry I’m really curious and sorry if I sounded rude.. I had no intention of sounding rude.

Tangentially yes, because it's in direct response to manga I've read. And I do see topics like "where are you from" on this forum which aren't manga-related either so I thought it'd be fine ^^ thanks for your concern.

As for your question, piss play and scat (feces play) are certainly a thing. Piss play is way more common than scat though I don't thing either is very common at all. I'm not into either, personally.

You don't sound rude, don't worry :)

I wouldn't be able to spot other BDSM enthusiasts (unless they were having a session in public). There isn't any set style or way of talking etc. that people like that have, we all have our individual sense of aesthetics ^^

I'm here to answer again in case anyone has any questions! ^^