Why do you read yaoi? Do you consider it fetichizing?

Why do you think girls like to read romance that involves only men, people they can't relate to? I've been wondering about this for so long, and now the whole fetichization of gay ppl thing have brought up answers to that. But I couldn't help but think there's something else (in my case at least)

I discovered yaoi (through a very sexual doujinshi) when I was 11 or 12, and 6 years later I realize it has become a habit to read it. It was the very first sexual thing that I deliberately watched so it made me uncomfortable but curious at the same time, and here I am now.

Since then I've always been wondering: why do I enjoy yaoi?

I actually discovered hentai at the same time but after a few I got sick of it. I'm originally not a fan of romance AT ALL either and I especially don't enjoy shoujou manga.
Additionally, I've always disliked female characters in movies in general (since as early as 6 or 7 years old), because they were always only a love interest for the main characters. They were somewhat seen as 'weaker' and they offered no intellectual and emotional depth (I didn't watch a lot of films back in the day and I guess I was watching the wrong ones). In fact, I preferred identifying with the male characters because they were 'stronger' (the only ones I liked were the ones who didn't need/had a man by their side and who were badasses).
Over the years I came to distance myself from all the female characters who were romantically involved. And since it's the case for a vast majority of female characters, I distanced myself even more from female characters in general. Basically I always felt like I had some kind of """trauma"""" (sorry my english vocabulary isn't extended and I don't have any word that truly matches my feelings toward this) when it comes to love and it's depiction.

I think it can explain why I gave up on shoujou manga and hentai but not yaoi. Since it's m x m pairings, I had the feeling both parts were strong and on equal grounds and since I always identified with male characters I could easily do the same in yaoi mangas (I began by reading the good kind of yaoi lol). Plus I was sexually awakening and of course I was interested in the sexual stuff that was going on.

So I got used to read it and now it has become a habit. I'm not that picky about what I read but I usually only read a yaoi if it's worth it. Just like any other romance genre (I still don't like shoujou but I'm less reluctant to watch movies/books with romance in it), I don't like it if it's only smut, if it's unrealistic (like if it's not accurately depicting one's psychology etc.) etc.

Now, many people consider girls reading yaoi as fetichizing gay people. I do agree with it. I do agree that many yaoi mangas are spreading inaccurate, fantasized and totally off views on gay relationships, but I do think there are actually good stories out there that are truly worth the read. I try to restrain any kind of behaviour that may be suggesting fetichization, but I find it impossible to make myself stop reading yaoi bc it's been part of my life for so long and because all the possible reasons I tried to list above made it so.

It's true that I also ship m x m pairings in the fandoms I'm in but it's only because I find the relationship they have interesting. I also ship f x f pairings (I rarely ship m x f pairings lol). It's simply because I feel like in het relationships in fictions, the romance always seems obvious and forced, with no real depth. A man and a woman just have to look at each other in the eye and people call it a love story. Whereas relationships between people of the same sex are always so different and interesting! And being LGBTQ+ I can relate to it.

Just to clarify: As I grew older and more mature, I realized they were actually quite a lot of movies with interesting woman characters and interesting romantic relationships that didn't overlap with the actual plot so I came to accept romance and female characters more as I embraced my real identity (truth is I denied and/or didn't realize the fact that I was also attracted to female characters bc I come from a traditional environment where no one ever told me that it was possible for two girls to be in love and where gender roles were important) and I also began to read Yuri.

But I have to admit I read a lot of yaoi but Yuri, not that much. I don't know if it's because I started to read Yuri late, or because I've been reading yaoi for so long it has become a habit I can't get myself off, or both lol. But I tend to get uncomfortable when I see Yuri where the girls are all sexualized and depicted the same way as hentai 2D girls. And I don't know a lot of Yuri but everytime I read it it's always either that or really low-key stories where nothing ever happens lol. That's why I'm not as familiar with the genre as I am with yaoi.
But again I'm a girl and I don't know the struggle of boys and men being sexualized in yaoi as well and gay people being fetichized too, so I guess it makes me have some kind of double standards? I don't know and I'd like to change any possible problematic behaviour I could have.

What about you? Why do you read yaoi (if you even do)? What do you think about it being fetichization of gay people?