Back-to-back stories which includes infidelity. Meh.
1st Story: Since the beginning, there was an affair. Yagi Tomoya has a wife and daughter but he's kept a male lover who's a genius surgeon, Iori. They have sex in one of Tomoya's patient's room especially after Iori's surgery sessions. The room they use is of a patient who's been in coma for 5 years. Anyway, Tomoya is aware of his betrayal to his family but he doesn't file a divorce because he still hasn't heard Iori say he loves him. It's an ironic feeling for him. He wants him to say those words and he'll give up his family, but at the same time, he clings that he doesn't say it so his sin's gravity won't increase. Until one day Iori says he's received a proposal to be married with a professor's daughter... It's like, the last string snapped within Tomoya so he asks Iori to just say the words and he'd choose him so they can finally be together for real. However, Iori didn't want him to destroy his family bec he feels that it's the reason why Tomoya didn't divorce his wife during the time they were together. So he lies and hurts him with his words, to not be mistaken with love and sex.Of course, that's a low blow to Tomoya. He begs to at least embrace him that night but he claims he's on call so he won't do it and they're done.
While on call, Iori was called for an emergency patient who's involved in a DUI Traffic Accident, the patient being Tomoya. He was still conscious as he clung on his "gift" for Iori, which was his white lab gown (bec Iori said earlier that it's what he wanted for his birthday). He gave it to him since it was only 11:45pm and still his birthday. Anyway, the operation, though difficult, was successful. However, Tomoya fell into a coma. Of course, Iori blamed himself as he recalled their last moment together, with Tomoya desperately clinging to him. He agonizes over it in their "love room" and he shouts "I love you" like what Tomoya wanted... only to have the 5-year comatosed patient, Tachibana Sou, wake up.
Moving on, Iori moved to a country hospital, still guilty over what's happened to Tomoya since he's still unconscious. Then, an accident occurs and he once again come face to face with Tachibana Sou, who claimed to wake up because of Iori's confession. Of course, Iori insisted that wasn't meant for him but Sou clung onto him insisting to replace Tomoya.
Seeing Sou reminded him of Tomoya again so he drowned himself with alcohol again only to find Sou at home wearing Tomoya's lab gown. Of course, he hallucinated and clung onto him and kissed him only to realize it was Sou. Then Sou insisted on them fucking and Iori just gave in, still thinking about Tomoya. Anyway, Sou continued to stay there and he even burnt the lab gown. He's actually supposed to say how he woke up even before Iori's confession and that Tomoya knew it and he told him about his feelings for Iori and how he's not qualified as a doctor, moreover a human, but he decided not to tell him because he wanted Iori to forget about him and love him instead. So then he continued to seduce him until Iori gets fucked by him, because Iori felt that the pain he felt was better than just drowning in alcohol. They continued to fuck until one time, when Iori felt asleep and Sou covered him with blanket and tells him "I love you" he replies that "I love you too, Tomoya" and Sou just realized that he still couldn't replace him despite them fucking a lot. So he then mentioned that Tomoya couldn't have committed suicide (this was why Iori felt guiltier; during their last conversation, Tomoya something like he's just about to go crazy, and his expression when Iori said the hurtful words was too heartbreaking. He thought maybe Tomoya really just committed suicide because he couldn't stand the heartbreak.) because he actually thought the situation over and that he really loved Iori. Hearing this made him more motivated to stay by Tomoya's side and tell him he loves him until he finally woke up, but with partial amnesia.
When Sou meets them in the hospital, he shows Iori that he's got back to school (He's a 1st year junior high school student since he missed 5 years worth of school despite being 19) and already has a boyfriend so Iori didn't need to worry about him anymore.
Anyway, what really pissed me off about this, aside from Tomoya's indecisiveness with regards to his relationship, was the betrayal I felt when Iori slept with Sou. Okay, don't get me wrong. I am also a woman, and I bet I'm expected to sympathize more with his wife, but since the main leads in this story were Tomoya and Iori, I rooted for them nonetheless. Besides, at this point, I didn't even know what his wife was really like, besides Tomoya saying she was a gentle wife (which of course, turns out in the sequel that she didn't have pure motives and feelings for Tomoya since the beginning either).
What I wanted was for Tomoya to man up and divorce his wife if he truly loved Iori. I mean, I suppose a lot of people would say it's okay to keep the marriage and just continue with the affair if unable to end it, for the sake of the child. However, do people actually believe that doing this would be better? Isn't the family already broken regardless if the marriage was kept or not? That just feels like a formality, and honestly, if I were the child, I'd rather have them divorce because it feels more frustrating to think that two people bound by a commitment are committing adultery. In cases like this, even not in marriage... even in unwed couples... I'd rather have them break up than keep up the farce of dating or being wed when they actually have other partners whom they truly love. I care less if the society would think bad of me being divorced for example. because I'd rather divorce and be with another more freely than feel cheated.
Anyway, back to Iori and Sou. I was just truly hurt. Others may claim that Iori didn't really cheat on Tomoya because even when he and Sou had sex, he still only loved Tomoya. OH C'MON, THIS IS FRUSTRATING! Maybe it's just me, but for me, if you truly love someone, you'll treasure the things you do with him, including SEX! Okay, so a lot of people nowadays believe that love and sex don't go hand in hand, since people can have sex without love easily since it's an activity for pleasure. But I personally don't feel that way. For me, sex is a very intimate act that I'd only do with someone I'm mutually in love with. Yes. Mutually in love. I personally still refuse to have sex with a guy I love if I know that he doesn't really feel the same for me. I mean, for me, what's the point of doing that? Maybe it's just me, because I don't really find sex pleasurable; I find it rather troublesome so I only want to make that effort for my partner. So yeah, even if Iori felt that having sex with Sou was his punishment, it still frustrated me. Especially after Sou told him what he knew and requested to be fucked by him one last time before he returns, this time as Sou not Tomoya. And guess what? Iori agreed. Yeaaaah. Which made me feel worse. Like, really? How can you still do that?! Okay, I tried hard to understand (though I still haven't accepted it) that being fucked by Sou is his punishment, but fucking Sou for the second time, this time, as he really is? Dude, this time, you're fully aware of it, consented, and yes, your cheating just got worse. I felt horrible, thinking, what if I were the one in coma and my boyfriend did that with another girl? Ugh. So frustrating!!!
Oh, I just remembered! Perhaps it wasn't really cheating since they apparently broke up on the rooftop, right? When Iori walked away on him after refusing him? I'm not quite sure, since at the time Tomoya was rushed in the hospital and he asked Iori to say that they're over (so he can truly give up), Iori shouted that it's not over and they will never be over. I dunno. But that just made it seem like they truly aren't over yet. But that just brings me back to my raging point of cheating/betrayal.
So, what, since Tomoya couldn't remember their relationship anyway, it's okay to just leave it in the past since they can just start anew? Duuuude. I dunno what to feel about this. Sure, time is short, and as I've decided before it would be a waste to dwell on the mistakes done in the past rather than enjoying the present or planning for the future. But this sort of thing is something I can't let pass easily, you know? Because they're committed! There! I said it! Like I mentioned earlier, I'd rather have the commitment broken early than feel cheated or betrayed. Besides, something like betrayal or cheating is too much for me to handle and forgive easily. Sure, I may eventually forgive but I'm pretty sure I'll never forget. And there will always be a voice at the back of my mind whispering, "If he was able to do it before, how can I know or guarantee that he won't do it again?"
So yeah, I'm too frustrated with this first story that even though the second story also involved the similar infidelity plot, I felt it was less aggravating than the former.
Oh, I just remembered the scene of those two seme and I feel like taking back my word. It doesn't matter if they didn't actually have sex. Kiss and skinship mean a lot to me when it comes to couples as well. Ughhhh!!! Reallyyyyyy...
I feel like I'm too petty for being frustrated about kissing people other than your partner (especially because others use the excuse of kisses being the way of greeting in some foreign countries). Like wait, if I'm not mistaken, sure, maybe smack on the lips is the most extreme greeting, but once you open your mouth, that's totally different. Besides, I don't think I can take a stranger kissing me on the lips anyway. I mean, I remember that one time when we went to Sri Lanka and some relatives (whom I don't even know/remember) greet us and when I saw them greeting lips to lips, I just knew I had to avoid it. I'm not sure if I offered my cheeks instead or pulled my lips in so that only the skin around my lips would touch theirs, but I'm sure I didn't let them kiss me directly on the lips. Especially because there were also guys, and even with grown women, I didn't feel it was okay for me to let them kiss me there. So anyway. What I'm saying is that I'm just too uncomfortable with such gestures that I can only actually do them with my partner.
Erk. Got too carried away but I don't really feel like talking about the second story since I didn't feel an ounce of love anyway so yeah.
Anyway, overall, I didn't feel the love among the characters. I mean, basically, what's shown to us was mostly of them fucking or wanting to fuck, without really getting to know each other, you know? There wasn't much of a build up at all. I mean, sure, I believe that love can arise from FWB relationships, but I'd only really believe it if they actually got to know more about each other, rather than just feeling each other, you know? So yeah.
Stories like these just make me believe less in love. Because, you see, if love is like this? I'd rather not love again. I just realize that I can't truly trust someone else's feelings. Ahhhh makes me frustrated. I can't get over the fucking-with-someone-while-my-lover-is-comatosed scenario because I imagine it. What would I feel if I were in that situation? Of course, this goes three-way as usual.
First, if I were the one in coma: I would feel very hurt that my boyfriend cheated on me because I can't be with him. I'd be so frustrated and think that what if we were to be in a long distance relationship, or if we were to part for some time, would he do it with another person then? Oh, but then again, in this case, I'd wake up with partial amnesia so I don't remember about being wed and even having a kid, moreover, having an affair with the person I truly love. Since I don't feel the same feelings before, how would I deal with my lover now, especially if I were to find out what he did while I was out? Should I just let it pass since it was me who made him feel lonely anyway? Should I call it quits since I don't remember him anyway and I don't have the right to hate him since it's not like I currently love him the way I did anyway? Should I forgive him since forgetting him actually hurt him as well, so he's also suffering? I mean, in this case, I'm basically a free person. I'm not bound to anyone, so perhaps I should let it go, and if ever my memories come back, how should I deal with it? Just let it pass since it already happened and we already started anew anyway? I guess if it were me, I'd break it off with everyone. Sure, this is a very serious situation, especially because I'm supposed to be married. But hey, what should I do about it? Should I just go with the flow, since I will eventually remember? But what if I don't? Do I really want to waste my time forcing myself to do things with them when I don't really feel it's right? It's tough, especially if for example, my husband is actually the one I loved the most, so separating with him is supposed to be heartbreaking, especially if after we separated and he's moved on, I'd get my memories back and regret ever letting him go. I think if this actually happens, I should just keep it to myself. Sure, I can just go and tell him at least something like, "Hey, I remember everything now. I actually really loved you and never wanted to let you go no matter what. But because I did, and you already found happiness even without me, I would completely let you go now. Even if I'm actually hurt with what's happened to us, I'm thankful that you at least found your light. I wish you genuine happiness with her because you totally deserve to be happy. I just want you to know that I'm thankful for everything we shared and it was truly the best. Thank you, and goodbye, my love." While I doubt this will make him waver and come back to me, he might think about it more than expected and that might just make a crack in their now happy relationship. I wouldn't want that. I think it'd be pathetic of me to do so because it'd feel like I'm making him feel guilty and regretful. But hey, if I don't say that, can we really stop wondering "what could've been?" Maybe I can just say, "Hey, I remember everything now. I just want to thank you and again, I'm sorry. I wish us both the best of luck and love. See ya!" I mean, imagine, if after I break it off with everyone, I meet another guy whom I fell in love with? What would he feel when I get my memories back and meet my ex? Wouldn't he feel insecure, thinking I might still love my ex? But I guess even if that happens, I won't cling on the past. I mean, here he is, I already have a man I love now. It's regretful that the love I felt was the greatest had to end tragically, but if I consider it carefully, it might have actually just been a phase for me to be able to meet my current partner. In short, if I were to lose my memories, I wouldn't cling onto my past. It's something I learned from a manga I read earlier, like, even if someone claims to be my lover, it's not like it's guaranteed that I'd get the feelings back. Sure, we may try, like how they usually do to deal with it. Like, doing or going to places we've been together before, but there's no guarantee, you see? So this will just hurt that person more. So, perhaps, what I want to do it to give it a chance. Say, for a week. Let's be together and do the things we used to do, see the places we used to go to, all those stuff. If I don't remember even a single thing, I'd break it off with him. This is tough, but it's not like I'm the same person he loved anyway. He may say that he loves me regardless, but how can he, when he doesn't really know what I am currently? So yeah. I'd like to break it off with him and only give him another chance if he promises not to look for my old self anymore, because I can never be the same girl. If he'd still cling onto the hopes that I might remember soon, I'd rather not be with him and start anew --- meet new people, establish new relationships, and be more confident about who I currently am. The past may define who we are now, but that doesn't limit what we are able to do both in the present and in the future.
Gosh, I got too carried away that it went off topic. But anyway, on to the second choice, if I am the lover of someone who went into coma and I feel like if it weren't for how I rejected him earlier, he wouldn't have had the accident: I'd feel so bad and guilty. I am a sinner since I got into an affair with him despite knowing he has a family whom he didn't truly want to let go despite claiming his love for me. But I know we'e mutually in love. If I actually listened to him and told him my true feelings... If he really divorced his wife and we get back together for real, I'm afraid that he'd still be consumed with guilt for letting them go. It would feel like he still isn't completely mine. So, what should I do if for example, I'm not a doctor. I can't just visit him freely since he has a family. I might feel too guilty that I'd want to punish myself, like Iori did. But can I really just have sex with someone else to ease my feelings? I don't think I will. I guess, if it were me, I'd wait for him to wake up and talk to him properly before taking a lover. But then again, there's no guarantee that he's wake up soon, you see? Moreover, even when he wakes up, he's not gonna remember me. But, I guess, if it were me, I'd still wait, even if it takes a long time. If I truly feel guilty, I'd rather atone by remaining single. What should I do when he wakes up then?So, let's say he has partial amnesia and can't remember me or his family. Can I just say that I'm his lover, or should I wait until he himself remembers me? I guess what I'd do is ask him what he wants to do. Does he want to recover and stay with his family regardless of not remembering them, or does he want to create new memories instead? I think it'd be hard to tell him I'm his lover once he knows he has a family because he'd feel more guilty to learn that he's been having an affair. So I guess I won't tell him about our relationship and wait for his answer. If he says he wants to remember the person he loves the most, I'd help him. If he still refuses to divorce, I'd let him go completely. I wouldn't want to force him to accept me just because he used to love me. Besides, can I really be confident to say that I love the guy in front of me when I barely know his current self? I think bringing up his old self would hurt him more because it's like his current existence is being denied and his old existence is being forced to take over. Anyway, I'd decide depending on his answer. I'd want to make it up to him. If he says he really couldn't remember me and I'm being troublesome, I'd go even if it hurts. As much as I'd like to cling onto him until he remembers me, it'd be pretty pointless unless he truly feels that way for me again. So yeah. I won't take another lover as an act of atonement.
Third, if the person I love is suffering for his forbidden love who's in coma: Shall I take advantage of his loneliness to show him that he doesn't need to suffer alone because I'd always be with him? Shall I force myself onto him, saying it's okay to use me as a replacement until he forgets her? Can I really be okay with that? NO. Like I said earlier, even if I love someone, I wouldn't give myself to him unless we're mutually in love. It'd be pointless for me to make him love me that way. I would never ask him to sleep with me, much more think of me as a substitute. I am me. I won't stoop that low even if I love someone too much that I just want to bring him happiness. Because if that's what I really want to do, I can just be a friend instead. Without those benefits, of course. I don't want to take advantage of him. If I'd present myself as a friend, I'd keep myself in check to make sure that I won't expect more. I'd sincerely be his friend. If it feels like he himself couldn't take it anymore and he feels lonely and he needs warmth, I can just stay beside him but I wouldn't let him kiss me. I'm not sure if I'd allow myself to hug him because hugs are seriously too awkward for me, but I guess not, eh? If he needs warmth, I won't give in to to the tempting skinship. If he says he'd find it elsewhere instead, I'd let him, but only after making him guilty about cheating on his lover in coma. If he insists and actually do it with another person, I wouldn't tolerate him and seriously feel disappointed.
Innai Kansen