I'm Looking For Friends

TW: mentions of su*cide, religions

Honestly, I don't necessarily hate nor love my parents. They all just feel distant to me.

I'm not the type to hold deep grudges. Especially against my parents. But I just felt the need to after the way they 'raised' me. My family is religious and they were not that serious but my parents took it far. Like I don't hate the idea of believing in a certain religion or god. But the way they press it onto me and my sister are a bit annoying somewhat.

They said: ' You don't need to feel pressured but we 'hope' you will follow what we do. ' But then make us learn more about it. I don't hate it, but no matter what we do or talk about it comes back into the topic of needing to believe in the religion that they do. It's basically false hope, is it not?

They made rules in the house. Like anybody would have that, but it is quite extreme.
The rules went like this:
1. Do not go on the internet and watch anything related to magic and be as realistic as possible
2. Do not listen to music with anything related to anything except religious music
3. Do not play at someone's house. Always invite them to our house.
4. Always read the bible in the morning and at night.
5. Pray every day.

Just to explain they are Christians. I don't hate them or anything. I don't have hate for what people want to believe.

I just barely can do anything without being scolded. Like on this site I was invited to a group chat and my mom decided to delete it and unfollow all of the people I follow on Instagram and such. She monitors everything. When I go and shower and leave my phone and laptop open she checks my history and everything I've done. Saying that the same gender loving each other is a 'sin'. Like couldn't she just leave me alone? I am not bothering her with her work or what so ever. I am not involved with dangerous stuff. I stopped going outside, so I stayed inside. And I am doing something 'productive. She stills gets mad. I am just sitting in my room and being quiet and not bothering anybody. Gosh, it sounds like my breathing just annoys her.

I understand that parents want their children to grow up, be good people, and not get involved with negative things. But is it that bad what I am doing. Not believing in god? Doing things 'against the will of god'.

Yeah, maybe I already know things that are not appropriate for my age. But I am doing my best at school, at home and well the only problem is my social life but whatever. I am doing nothing wrong and they kept scolding me for being in front of my computer and doing 'sinful' things.

The thought of 'suicide' has crossed my mind a lot these days. And I think the reason that I have not done so is that, well because they said that God has given you life and so you should that care of it. Basically, it is saying it is a 'sin'. And I don't want to add another sin into the list of sins that I have done.

See it is as if they pressed damned information in me. No matter what I do it just tells me in my head 'it is a sin', 'god is disappointed in you, and 'you are a sinner'. Okay, let's say the bible is true. Can I just choose to ignore it? Everybody has their own beliefs do they not?

What they have been telling me is that I am a sinner and that I should've died. My self-esteem and confidence that I have been building up just crumble down. It hurts. They keep telling me after our conversations that I should think this through and believe it quickly. Like our conversations is not normal anymore. I can't even crack a joke and them lecturing me.

Yeah, I was a pretty sociable person, but now I am depressed and having social anxiety. They literally said 'depression my ass, where? I don't see it'. My pride and everything just breaks apart and they kept telling me that maybe if I believed I wouldn't have been this sad.

What should I do? Should I just give up everything? Like not su*cide but like just rebel against them and not follow what they say. But at the same time I don't want to because if I rebel against them they will take everything away, starting from social media and then friends. Basically just studying. It's like giving up my freedom to protect my freedom.

What's your opinion about it?

P.S
Thank you for taking your time to read it. (⌒▽⌒)
Hope you have a wonderful day (▰˘◡˘▰)