Anime Saved Me

The reason I tried to kill myself was when my grades started declining therefore I started to disappoint everyone around me and soon after, I stopped socializing, and cut off the people I used to call 'friends'. I guess the overwhelming loneliness ate me up and the next thing I knew, I'm already holding a knife over my stomach. But I couldn't do it, as you can see, I'm still alive and writing this. The next attempt was stabbing myself with scissors, but I only woke up holding it. A fail. The last time was overdosing myself with pills I don't know the name of. When I came to school, not to mention it was our exams that day, I couldn't focus and I was dizzy the whole day... but I still ended up walking towards home. Another fail.

All of those things happened for a span of two years, in an endless loop. You see, I was an honour student for four years consistent. When my grades started to decline, I tried to save it by studying but I'm no good with it so instead, I listened to class intently, but I guess I'm just not smart enough anymore. When I thought every attempt of getting better is futile, I just stopped trying. Then it got worse, well what do I expect haha. My parents weren't that strict on our grades, but I can still see how disappointed they become every time our grades are out. I guess the thought that I keep disappointing them was the last straw. Then the thought like, "I'm useless therefore I need to perish." just popped up into my mind and those suicide attempts happened. I cared less and less about my well-being, hoping to eventually die of a disease. Every time I walk on the overpass, I couldn't help thinking of jumping out of there. Much less caring of passing cars, however I don't want to bother others if I die since it's the MAIN reason I wanted to kill myself in the first place.

The only thing that kept me alive up until now was the ongoing anime I was watching, the ongoing manga I'm reading and the upcoming songs of my favourite singers. I just keep saying, "I haven't seen the ending yet so I cannot die yet." and also this, "If I die, then I will be just like those axed manga and rushed endings I've seen. Horrible and heart breaking." And actually, it worked.

I know this would be hypocritical of me but, guys, if you ever feel lonely, or useless, or sad, please seek for a friend or a family member. You can keep it to yourself but talking to someone just helps you get better faster. I am doing well with just myself right now, even though I haven't mastered self-love yet haha but I'm getting there. I hope you are too.

Take care of yourself.