I'm 27, pathetic, and depressed ^_^

Please let me rant. I don't know what to do with my life anymore lol.

I don't have a lot of friends mainly because I don't know how to make and keep friends. People approach me and I do respond, but once we don't meet each other anymore, I don't know how to keep being friends with them. I am not very good with communication and I don't like people phoning or video calling me. I mostly only chat or email, but I don't like small talks so I'm not very responsive as well if we don't really have anything to talk about. I know I'm the one at fault and I want to help myself regarding this but I don't know what to do because I don't think anyone really cares.

I have my family and we're pretty close. But they can't understand my personality. I'm the only person in our family who's bad with people so they don't get why I'm acting like this. They think I can get better when they force me, or they give me advice on how I can be an outgoing person. But, really? Do I really have to be outgoing to make friends or to build healthy relationships? Like, is there really not one person who can understand me and get along with a person like me?? I don't think so.

I never had a boyfriend too, obviously, because I'm not good with people, but most especially, girls. I feel uncomfortable being around girls because most of their talks were about beauty, fashion, or boys, and I'm not very interested with those. When I was in college, the people I hung out with were mostly guys because my hobbies we're kind of 'boyish' like anime, manga, arcades, playing music instruments like guitar and drums, even basketball. I never hung out with the same people every time and they never treated me like a girl so there was like 'no strings attached' and I felt safe and comfortable. I don't talk a lot too, just really doing things together with them, lol. Those were the times that I never really cared about having a boyfriend and I just enjoyed my life to the fullest so I never hesitated rejecting guys who approached me for dating.

Thing is, I want to try dating now that I'm older, but I don't want to date just for the sake of trying. I mean, I want a serious one, like a long term relationship, maybe I also want to consider marriage since I'm at the 'right age' now. But I don't know where to start. I don't go out often and when I do, I only go to places where I needed to go. I'm not fond of online dating too, and I don't think it's a good idea when I never even dated in real life. I just feel so lonely right now, I even took on a lot of different hobbies to escape reality from time to time -_-

Lastly, I even lost my job during the pandemic. That was in April. I can't give the full details as to why and how it happened, but now I only live by doing freelance work, at home, which cannot really provide enough for my needs. I was not down due to losing my job, I actually hated what I was doing there so I felt kind of relieved that I was laid off. Thing is, that's the only job I've ever done after I graduated college. I don't even know what I like or want to do now. I lost interest in all things and I forgot what my dreams or goals are, I was like, just living life because I need to live it. Even if I wanted to die, I was too much of coward to even kill myself. Lol.

Seriously. I never even talked to anybody about these things yet my hands just kept on typing as my thoughts poured out like this. Maybe because this is the internet and nobody would even know who I am even if they read this? Haha. To anyone who read this until the end, thank you. I hope you have a good day and see for yourself that there are people who are in an even bigger mess than you are right now and feel better XD