I'm such a fucking stupid bitch

I've been creating a story from all the times I've been maladaptive daydreaming, for the past 5 fucking years. You might ask yourself, "5 years? I bet they've edited, re-wrote and made the story better! The first draft is always a struggle :)" Well you are very right, and very fucking wrong.

I am a perfectionist, with depression. I want everything to be perfect. I've spent these past 5 years researching story tropes, what to do, what not to do, analysing hundreds of combat scenes from anime/super-hero movies and shows. I've read tons of books, studying the writing, the way they use words, how they portray the characters, I've had countless hours of writing sessions in school to be able to write essays and stories...I've been more than ready. The problem is, I am a perfectionist, with depression. Which means, basically, that I try so hard to perfect things, while having no motivation to do so. Do you guys know how many times I've re-wrote the draft? 10 times. TEN FUCKING TIMES...I've hated every single re-writing of the draft. The story has changed so fucking much it's not even funny anymore. I can't fucking write shit, I hate the story so much, I can't bring myself to start typing "Chapter 1: XXXXXXXXXX" because I know I won't be able to keep the draft longer than a week. I might keep it longer, but i'll still be deleting it...

Now I've thought about this. What's my best solution? Make it a show or a movie! Yeah, right...How exactly? I don't fucking know. Do I look like someone Netflix or Amazon Prime would hire for their next big project? Absolutely not. And you guys know what movie adaptions do to novels? They butcher every aspect of them. They have no mercy. So movie/show adaptation is a big no-no. So what's my last resort? Make a webtoon. Yes, a webtoon. I love anime and comics. It'll be easy. I CAN'T FUCKING DRAW! I'm doomed. I have been dying to make the story a reality but everytime I think about the story, there's always this little voice in my head telling me the story is complete and utter bullshit and that no one on earth would read. Which is funny because everytime I talk about the story to people, I always get positive feedback.

So this awesome story I hate with a passion because it's been eating my brains out for the past half decade will never truly see the light of day. It'll just be a bunch of "story ideas" on a word document, dozens of notebooks filled with details for the story, an unpublished Wattpad story, ideas in my head, daydreams, everything but an actual complete story.

I'd love to ask an artist to help me adapt it into a webtoon! I don't know anyone personally though...I don't have the motivation to write the story board, I can't bring myself to actually write a story.

Basically this whole "essay" is me telling you how much depression sucks. It sucks all energy and motivation out of you. You'll hear only positive feedback from everyone around you but the only person you'll listen to is that stupid voice in your head telling you "It's trash", "No one likes it", "They're lying to make you feel better", "Re-write it, it's not good enough", and so much more. I still love talking to others about the story because it's also the only serotonin I get. Wierd right? It's not. I hate the story and I love at the same time. I truly wish I could have the motivation and skills to make it a reality...

I know I'm not the only one on this site that has the same problem :)
God this is long...