Complicated. Ugh.

This is complicated. I liked him the moment I first talked with him. A few months after the first time we met, I confessed. He rejected me and avoided me after that. Of course, I was persistent for about 2 years. I still liked him, but I think he forgot at the time. A year later he got with the girl I hate most in the class, she called me a slut, a bitch, and so on. The girl he was dating told me that they were dating- to my face, knowing that I like him. After school, he asked me why I looked sad when she told me that they were dating. I told him that I liked him over a text message. They were dating for a while until she broke up with him over the fear of being found out (idk). Then, I text him again. I told him that I didn't tell him the whole truth and that I still like him (after 4 years). Here's exactly how the conversation went (I literally copy and pasted it lol):

Me: Hey.
I didn't tell you everything when you asked me why I was sad about you dating **her name**.

Him: Why
What

Me: ...

Him: ...

Me: Promise you won't tell anyone

Him: I promise. I don't tell anyone anything trust me

Me: I still like you.

The conversation ended there, I changed the subject as soon as I told him I like him. We talked a lot over text message, and I even thought that we got pretty close, but he just ignored me the next day. Here's some more of our conversations (this one might be triggering...?):

Me: **his name**

Him: what

Me: Have you ever cut yourself?

Him: Almost. Sometimes I do things that hurt for no reason
I just don't like blood

Me: Ok I was just wondering

Him: I don't like talking to people outside of school
Tbh tho I had really bad depression like the last 2 years but it's calming down this year for some reason

Me: I don't like talking to anyone face to face except my friends but I'm okay with talking people online
That's good

Him: Yeah I text a lot but I don't talk
Which is crazy cuz I'm loud af at school

Me: Haha

Him: I always get told to kms
I always get told that I'm ugly and that people don't want me around

Me: By who? (you don't have to answer, I understand that this is a personal question.)

Him: Lots of people
Mainly the people where I live

Me: Oh. Anyways to answer your question, yes I cut. But not with razor blades, sometimes at school I use my scissors under my desk
That's what the scars on my right wrist are from

Him: Really?

Me: Yes.

Him: When
How do u hide the blood?

Me: A while ago but when my mom noticed I tried to stop
I sit right next to the tissues
I don't even have to get up to reach them

Him: Wow
I have made myself bleed once before
The scar hasn't gone away

Me: What did you do?
Also my story that I told my mom didn't convince her and she's going to put me in counseling for depression and anxiety

Him: Why do you have depression?

Me: A lot of things.

Him: Like what?

Me, avoiding the question: Why do you have depression?

Him: Because I hate myself. Like I joke around a lot but I actually hate myself.

Me: Why?

Him: I see myself as ugly or fat and out of shape and that I'm bad at everything and that I can't do anything right.

Me: But you're the smartest person in the class, the best player on quiz bowl, and you're not fat.

Him: I know I'm not fat but for some reason I see myself as unfit and out of shape
And I have been gifted with a good mind but with that mind comes with some downsides (depression)
Sometimes I talk to myself. Like someone else is there, but it's just me. I remember last year I felt like no one wanted to be my friend so I began talking to myself. I used to have full on conversations with myself.

Me: I'm sorry.

Then that conversation ended. The next day the only thing he said to me was 'Hi', and that was after I told him 'Hello'.

We are still friends, I guess. He still avoids me and shit. He sometimes is such a dick to me, but I just can't stop liking him (as cheesy as it is). My parents are divorced (I see my dad 2 weeks a year) and my crush knows that. He also knows it's a sensitive subject. But one time he just looked straight at me and said,

"No one ever liked you because you're stupid and ugly and that's why your dad abandoned you!"

I didn't say anything back to him, but I could feel that I was about to cry. I looked away and cried myself to sleep for a very, very long time. Sometimes I still do. I avoided him for a week. After that I started to talk to him again. He says and does other things like:

He yelled this one across the classroom; everyone heard it. (I totally deserved it though, I was talking.)

"Shut the fuck up!!"

When I was little, maybe in 3rd grade when I met him, he did these to me:

He pulled my hair until it ripped out and made me cry.
He pushed me down onto the mulch until I would get splinters everywhere.

Still, I like him! Why? We literally have everything in common. Everything. No. Fucking. Joke. We did this thing one time where he would tell me his favorite songs and I would listen to them and rate them. The first 4 songs he requested were already on my playlist. It's just annoying, I guess, that he doeesn't like me back.



So that was pretty fucking angsty. Well anyways, thanks for reading this all the way down here if you did!