Could someone enlighten me with all of this, please
Hi!
Sorry, it's not about yaoï and all but I couldn't find someone to turn to so here I am, asking your opinion.
It's been almost 2 years since I'm in a relationship with a man and he's the first man I ever was in a relationship with. But it's been a few months since I don't feel really good about the relationship. I mean, we're like best friends and we really do love each other but some things have been disturbing our happiness. And since 2 or 3 weeks, it's like I want him to dump me. But at the same time, I want to stay with him because we've done a lot together and we still have plans to do together, ect. It's been 3 days since we don't talk to each other. We're just texting to let the other know that we're going outside.
Yesterday, I had a dance competition. I met the dancers from my friend's other group. So, I met a certain guy with whom I began to talk. And despite of being with the other dancers of our group, we couldn't stop talking together, laughing together, staying together. I saw him a few times looking at me while I was doing things and also, when I moved to other spots in the really big room, he most of the time came to me. And I won't lie, he was really handsome and I liked his personality. While we were watching the performance of the other groups, we were standing really close (our arms were touching).
My boyfriend arrived almost at the end of the competition and he saw us together (our group was here too but we were a little appart from them). When I noticed him, I saw that he was disappointed. When I went to him, he asked me who that was and why I was especially with him and not with everyone else. I was feeling a little bad for him because I didn't want to hurt him. We talked a little (I told him that it was nothing, that I ended up beside him by chance and he told me that he was disappointed in me and that he didn't want to talk to me for now) and then, he brought me back home. But while I was with my boyfriend, I saw the other guy glancing at me a few times. But I don't really know why. I felt that there was an attractiveness between us from the start but I don't know how to interpret it. And since yesterday, I can't stop thinking of him... I know this counts as cheating but I don't know, he just appears in my head out of nowhere and I want to know him better. I'm lost right now... I know that I want to stay with my boyfriend but since a few weeks, I feel like I'm not 100% in the relationship. I feel like something is lacking. I don't know if it'll go back to normal or not. I don't know if I really want to stay with my boyfriend. But I'm also afraid of leaving him and afraid of beginning a new relationship. I don't know anything anymore. My boyfriend and I communicate but we don't seem to always find an understanding. I don't know what to do... Am I weird? I don't know what to think about all of this. Could you please help me? Tell me what you think about all of this and what you would've done. Or anything else.
Thank you for your replies and sorry for the long story (￣∇￣")
Messages
The first thing I'm going to say is that I think you'd benefit most from talking to people in your personal life about this. I.e. people who've known about your relationship and see how it affects you as a person.
Secondly, you didn't cheat. Cheating would imply that you knowingly sought this guy out for a romantic relationship. Since it was a dance competition it was random. Yes, it was flirting and you are in a relationship. That's not ideal but you haven't crossed the cheating line unless you are communicating and engaging in romantic acts with this other guy.
Thirdly, this decision rests on you. Are you in love with him? Or do you love him? Those are different things. Being in love with someone is wanting a romantic relationship. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be romantic. I love my friends, I am not in love with them. You see? Maybe because you are such close friends it's hard to tell the difference.
Also (I wouldn't be able to tell from this post) you address things that are 'off' about your relationship. Are things feelings of 'offness' something you can talk about with him? Communicating is important if you aren't happy or something is bothering you, you need to articulate that. People can't read minds even if we think they should know better they don't always. If talking doesn't work, if he's dismissive, that's a huge red flag. But if he tries to do better that's encouraging. People can't change overnight but if he tries to do things that reassure you it matters.
The last thing, is if you feel really done, that you don't want to be with him. Then break things off. The longer you string someone along the worse the fallout will be. Don't put yourself through being with someone if you feel the relationship isn't going anywhere. I am not saying it will end well. It may end really badly. Breakups aren't easy things. But ask yourself if you are happy or if you would be happier without him.
Don't cage yourself into something that makes you unhappy or leaves you feeling unfulfilled but if you haven't already try to communicate your problems and see if they can be resolved. If you can't or don't want to that's a big indicator on what you need to do.
It's a lot to think about and I wish you the best dealing with this situation.
Well damn. I think you shouldn't look for advice/suggestions on this website and get with the other guy, it's all about your feelings. Two people are together because they feel the same about the other, but your starting to feel for someone else. I suggest breaking up with your boyfriend kindly and just being friends or something. This is just my own opinion, I don't know anybody who has stayed in a relationship with someone they didn't really like anymore.
Hi! I'll just speak from my personal ideas and what i would do; i dont want to impose on you any scenarios that would make you feel obligated to do. (long post btw :3 )
For me, the number one thing I would come to terms with first is the fact that I could think about being attracted to someone, wanting out or the relationship, etc. as a mental and emotional hinter FROM myself that I don't want this relationship as much as I used to. (EX: I had a guy i was talking to romantically, but after a while I found myself being attracted to someone else. I didnt talk or converse with that other person, but the mere fact that i was attracted to someone else while my attention should be on the man i was talking to , really signified to me that I guess i didn't like him as much as i wanted myself to. So i ended it, for his sake and mine. it would be unfair to him to be invested in me when i dont feel the same way)
In the case of a long term relationship. I totally get that ending one is soooo tough. And i feel the biggest question I would ask myself is if I want to continue this relationship because I love this person and i want to continue a life with them, or do i love the history and past be built together? There's a difference between choosing someone as who they are, and choosing someone for their presence in your history. personally, I would talk to him about it and figure out where we both stand (how he feels about the relationship, and how I feel about wanting out but still caring for him).
Also, your boyfriend sounds pretty invested in you/the relationship. My first thought is, I feel he deserves the courtesy to know how you feel about second guessing the relationship and feeling attracted to other people, but still feeling connected to your past. I don't mean you have/should break it off, but depending on how you two mutually feel you guys can decide together. I know in some cases people have opened their relationships to stay together but venture with other partners, some have taken breaks and have fallen in love with each other again, and some do break it off and all of them are happier with their choices.
Anyway, so personally for me. I would recognize and learn about myself what I really want in this long term relationship; (as a monogomous person) i would determine if I want to continue my life with this man as an individual (not because of our history together); and I must acknowledge that I AM attracted to someone else rather than my partner of right now.
Being able to tie up the relationship and how both parties feel, can give you the freedom you need to decide if you want to continue this long relationship or if you want to find a way you both can be happier (be it in an open relationship, or maybe breaking it off; thats for yall to decide)
But, I hope my ideas can help you in some way. I am a very direct person with myself, and sometimes am too hard on myself. So i chose very clearcut and monogomous methods, but please, you choose what feels best for you and him :) yall know yall best! I wish you luck and am sending hopeful thoughts your way.