ongoing

My feelings arose from the constant interactions we had during high school. I'd see them every day, eat lunch with them, go to their house for most of the week and we just got....close. I loved that intimacy. Especially when they started relying on me more and more, I felt that I was important to them. And one day, while they slept, their feet on my lap and me-dozing off but content-I knew. I felt warmth. I felt light and giddy and happy. I felt... I felt...I felt sick to my stomach. Was I a bad friend? What would they do if they knew? Was I really developing romantic feelings?

I ignored it for the rest of high school, especially since they dated other people and I was going through a lot academically-"I just don't have time for a relationship"-and let my feelings be subdued and that was that. Junior year was over. Senior Year came and went. We hung out more and more, confided in each other constantly. It was summer. We went to the beach, we played video games, we explored the town. We talked about our friendship and how it's going to last forever and ever.

Then I went to college. Away from my home town.

That first year was hard on the both of us. The biggest change had to be the relationship she pursued. Toxic to the extreme and secret from the rest, I felt anxious..nervous..I wanted to be there with them, and help them, comfort them. Tell them I had an uneasy feeling in my stomach when I saw their partner, tell them 'that's not normal', tell her 'that doesn't seem safe', tell them that they didn't like me, tell them that they were jealous whenever I /was/ there, tell them that they hated me because they probably saw it in my eyes and the way I stand too close. Too close.

The first year was done. The summer came once more.

It was awkward during the first few outings. With their date there, we didn't really talk. I was always the awkward third wheel. Being taller than the both of them didn't help since my unease could be seen even more transparently. I just..stood in the back, on my phone, in silence. During the night, when I'd stay over, or it was just the two of us, I really enjoyed it. I loved that time. I felt-always felt-so light and airy and ridiculously in love. They were having a fall-out with their partner and I was so relieved because they were constantly stressed out and anxious from it. I had dealt with my feelings before and it didn't matter to me that I'd probably never date them. It was my reality. It was my conclusion.

One night, after so much had happened, we lay in bed, just venting and telling each other things we never told before. Even though we've been friends for five years, they aren't the type to talk about their emotions. They are one of the few people I can't read, and I tend to read people really well.

We were crying and happy and then they said it. They said it and I froze. "Is there anything else that you want to talk about?" And I stopped. And they got up.

"I-uh...yeah"

I didn't get an answer. "I'm glad you told me, I know how hard it is to keep feelings like that inside,"

We proceeded to watch TV and make dinner that night like if nothing happened. Fast forward to a few weeks. Weeks spent with them doing everything. And every time, every /day/, I looked in the mirror and saw how happy I was. I didn't care that I didn't get an answer. We could still hang out. We could still be friends. We could still be together. Even though I have my crush, they are my friend first and foremost. My feelings are petty, I hate them because they change the rhythm we've always had. But I love them too. Because I feel so alive and sure of myself and exuberant whenever I'm with the one I care about.

Another day. I was stupid. I was so caught up in my feelings and felt a whirlwind of emotions that I couldn't help myself.

"...and I...like you,"

They had to leave at the moment, ironically enough. So they left. Didn't reply for three days.

I felt like dying.

Once we finally talked about it. Again, I didn't get an actual answer. "I just got over my (bad) relationship, so I don't know what I'm feeling,"
My friend told me to ask them if they'd ever consider dating me.("You need to know, it's not fair for you, you need to either have that hope or move on!") and they simply replied... "I can't give you an answer,"

We hung out a few days after that and while there was a few more silences between us than usual, everything went back to it's routine.
The last few weeks of summer were coming. I suddenly got extremely busy and so did they. We moved at the same time. We talked a bit here and there and met up a handful of times before I had to leave for college again. Suddenly, four months had been gone in a blink and we were back at square one.

The day before I left we hung out alone. They missed work. We didn't really talk and I felt like...there was that air you know? The air that something needs to be addressed. But it never was. We took some polaroids before they left. I hugged them goodbye. I hope they didn't notice that I held on a little too tightly, that I dug my nose into their hair, that I didn't want to let go.

I left that night to go back to college. I felt..I felt... I don't really know how I felt.

The second year has started. We're both doing our own things. I guess, we'll just see what happens.