Look it’s Levi, humanity’s badass!
“They say he can kill a titan with his bare hands!”
“Oh Levi you’re so awesome marry me!”
“Shut the fuck up!”
“Just you wait. Levi will prude and fuck your soul! AHHHH! Told you!”
“Captain, I’m so glad your safe!”
“We’ve got three titans approaching. You two, take the one of the right. I’ll take the two on the left. Petra, go knit a sweater.”
“But I can help”
“WOOOO! It’s the return of the one man army. Bow down, bitches. Fuck yea ferocious one. Dude I am standing on your fucking head man. This is fucking rad! Bite the pillow Pinocchio. I’m going in dry. WOOHOO! The duke is back! Awwww no. Blood on my hands? This is like exactly how hepatitis happens. Not cool”
“Captain I can’t stop the bleeding”
“No shit Sherlock I bet they don’t make tampons thick enough for- oh. You meant him”
“Captain... was I useful to humanity?”
“Dude you like flew right into that Titans mouth you were like bullseye in a game of let’s not hit the bullseye! Hahaha! I’m gonna be laughing at how hard you fucked up for ages. So yea I guess you were pretty useful”
“Captain... he’s gone!”
“Oh no. Petra please don’t cry. You’re so ugly when you cry.”
“Hey hey hey kids!”
“Woooo! Humanity’s greatest once again stands victorious. That’s right bitches. The duke is back.”
“Who are- wait. You’re commander Erwin. And you’re, you’re captain levi. Oh my god. You guys are my heroes!”
“Well would you look at that Erwin. We’re his heroes.”
“Seriously! I’m like your biggest fan”
“He probably has posters of us in his room”
“I do!”
“Teenage boys usually have posters of girls in their room. He has us.”
“That means nothing.”
“Imagine him just jacking it every night to your face”
“Levi, stop”
“Just going in, just throttling that rooster shooting loads all over those bushy eyebrows of yours”
“What?”
“Are you picturing it Erwin?”
“Levi-“
“ARE YOU PICTURING IT ERWIN? CAUSE IVE GOT A PRETTY VIVID IMAGE IN MY HEAD!”
“Is he usually like this?”
“He’s been drinking.”
“Seriously look at his face. He looks like Helen Keller the first time she touched water.”
“Levi!”
“His tears probably taste like poetry”
“I order you to stop”
“Oh look my names baby dick and I can turn into a titan let’s all forget about the duke of destruction over here and worship Justin Bieber.”
“Who’s Justin Bieber?”
“A pop singer”
“A fucking asshole”
“By the walls, Levi, compose yourself!”
“No, Erwin, because unlike Puss in Boots over here, I actually kick ass just fine on my own. Hahahahaha. Get it? I just made a Shrek joke.”
“You make a lot of references.”
“I am like, the king of references. Shrek is loveee”
“You know THIS is not how I imagined meeting my heroes”
“Who cares baby dick?”
“I apologize. Will you please stop talking Levi?”
“Sure whatever do your thing. It’ll just give me more time to think up one liners.”
“My entire world will know me as Eren Jaeger, savior of humanity”
“Wait. His last name is Jaeger?”
“Yes.”
“This...changes...EVERYTHING. JAEGER BOMB!! Haha! I can’t believe that is your name. Hahaha! Oh my god kid you are so fucked”
“What- what does be um”
“Alright Erwin I’m cool with him. Kid for the time being just think of me like your older brother. Except if that you turn into a titan I’ll kill you but don’t don’t worry about that”
“Uhhhh I’m kind of worried alrea-“
“Shut up. All you need to know is that your last name is fucking awesome and we are going to do so many shots together! Haha JAEGER BOMB! Haha fucking unbelievable. Buckle up buttercup, cause once you’re in we are going to fucking party.”
“What the fuck captain?”
“So, Jaeger bomb wants to join the survey Corp. that’s nice but you’re too big a security risk to allow at graduation. However we can still induct you the old fashioned way”
“Which is?”
“Same way you join any game. Initiation.”
*lots of unintelligible yelling”
“Wooooo! Eren you getting your ass WHOOP! Even from hell I can see a beating like this. GODAMNNN!”
“Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes”
“I think he’s about down”
“That public beating was punishment enough. Do you have any closing statements you’d like to make?”
“Objection...”
“You know eren I really didn’t like you at first”
“Oh really??”
“Yea. But you took that beating well. You’re alright in my book. We cool?”
“Oh! Yea yea yea sure we-were cool”
“Welcome to the team jaeger bomb. So. What’s the story on your sister?”
“......................what?”
“Fuck this!”
“Call my Dumbledore, cause were about to clean bitches”
*Michael Jackson song starts playing*
“Oh yea you’re a dirty window sill aren’t ya? I’m gonna clean you something rightttt”
“Uh sir, I finished the upstairs as requested sir”
“What?”
“Uh”
“What”
“Wh-“
“What.”
“What are you doing”
“I WAS just enjoying my fucking awesome handiwork, but then an annoying little brat had to show up and ruin it all! And track dirt on the freshly mopped floor.”
“Sorry... hey why are you wearing a diaper on your head?”
“Rule number one, don’t ever question me. Rule number two, SHUT UP. Rule number three, where’s your sanitary headscarf?”
“Sir?”
“Do you have any idea what the deadliest creatures known to man are?”
“Titans!”
“No. Germs, dumbass. They’re everywhere. In the dust, in your hair. They might even be living inside your own body. Which is why the squad makes sure to clean every environment it faces. And drink plenty of high proof flicker”
“Wow”
“What? It’s a sanitizer.”
You really take this seriously don’t you?”
“I take everything seriously. I’m captain goddamn Levi. I murder titans and scrub the fuck out of floors. And if you wanna be like us, you will too. Alright baby dick I’m gonna check your work. Finish this room but don’t touch the cabinet. Thats where I keep my weed”
“Speaking of weird what’s up with the captain?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well I walked in on him just now and caught him in the middle of-“
“Foreplay?”
“Uh I wasn’t aware that was a thing”
“It was the Windex wasn’t it”
“Yea”
“Lavender cinnamon or mountain mist?”
“Mountain”
“Always is”
“Wait”
“No don’t wait look a squirrel!”
“Are you... and him?”
“No”
“Yea”
“No”
“Yeaaa”
“NO. Um I’m sorry. What was the question?”
“Nothing sir!”
“Whatever. You forgot to dust the chandelier dick moth. Do everything over. Wow. This was a great tea party. I just sat here and insulted all of you and nobody talked back”
“Sir may I ask”
“Spit it jaeger bomb”
“Why is this tea so awful”
“That’s because it’s mostly watered down vodka”
“Vodka?”
“I know right? We only have enough to drink for like half the day this week. Times are tough in the empire.”
“Shouldn’t you all be sober”
“What’s he talking about”
“He said sober. We don’t do sober”
“Aren’t you guys here to make sure I don’t turn into a titan?”
“Yes”
“And if I do turn into a titan without permission, you’re all gonna kill me right?”
“Duh”
“So maybe I’d prefer if the people who hold my life in their hands were in the right state of mind?”
“Jaeger bomb I am always in the right state of mind”
“Hello everyone! I have arrived. Wait, Levi? You guys have snacks?”
“No. No snacks for shitty glasses”
“Whatever I’m here for him. Levi does titan wren have anything to fear?”
“...yes. Drop everything. We’re joining up with the Corp”
“Yes sir!”
“Listen buttercup I need you to tone it down several notches you’re an 11 right now I need you to be at like a 4. You have no idea the hangover I’m dealing with. Alright squad Levi roll out!”
“Now I know all you dickhards go into battle but that ain’t the plan!”
“Yea that’s right lap it up. That’s the taste of success.”
“I can’t believe what the captain did. If I ever get my hands on him I’m gonna tie him down strap him to a chair and force him to listen to one of Armins fucked up dismemberment lectures”
“I have pictures now!”
“Sir the right flank has been entirely wiped out!”
“Heh. Fucking noobs”
“Also the supply cart with all the booze was lost in the chaos”
“This...is truly a tragedy. Hey horse face relay that to command”
“Yes sir!”
“Captain”
“A black flare? What’s that mean again?”
“It means Voldemor- no wait that’s purple. It means an abnormal titan is heading towards us”
“Captain Levi?”
“Oh my god what”
“W-were in a forest!”
“No shit Sherlock”
“But we’re not supposed to be here!”
“Hehhhh I hope this horse comes with a safety belt. Slow down guys we could trip over a dangerously exposed elm root. Look around jaeger. No one cares”
“But”
“No one cares”
“Maybe it’s because I’m so new that he’s being mean. Maybe everyone else can sense what’s going on and I’m just not-“
“Yea I gotta shit but it won’t come out!”
“Wait. They’re just as messed up as me. What is the captain doing?”
“Captain. Black flare behind us”
“Somethings coming. Weapons ready. Awwwwww shit”
“Get the fuck out of my way!! Ahh youre gonna die”
“What’s the command??”
“We’re gonna keep running. Forward. In a straight like.”
“We’re gonna run?? It just killed THREE of our men and you’re telling me we’re gonna run.”
“Look Eren sometimes you gotta run. I’ve been running from people all my life. The military police, debt collectors, some guy I owe named Kenny”
“Do you even have a plan?”
“Of course I have a plan. I always have a plan for everything”
“Oh my god he’s bluffing he’s bluffing! That’s what he says when he doesn’t have a plan!”
“Hey! Horse face!”
“What?”
“You call her horse face?”
“Baby dick, not now”
*unintelligible words*
“Stalker, try hard, Randall! All y’all scripples need to back the fuck off. Horse face, you know you can’t do better than me so”
“Ok that is it!”
“What? It’s true”
“You dinky little fuck! If we survive this mission when we get back im sleeping with Eren!”
“Haha! Jaeger bomb? That swagless beast?”
“Yea him! I’m gonna fuck his brains out!”
“No! Eren Jaeger I order you to remain a virgin”
“Oh my god! There’s still people dying back there! Why aren’t we fighting?”
“Because your moves are week”
“I could take her”
“Ha! You fight like a substitute teacher”
“What about you? Aren’t you all humanity’s best warriors?”
“Uh yea against regular titans. Not.. fucking.. THAT!”
“Bitch shoot a flare! Let command know that we’re under attack! For gods sake we literally have hundreds of reinforcements just standing around!”
“Hey! Where Eren?”
“WHO FUCKING CARES”
“So why are we running?”
“Because I said so”
Oh so this is what you do? Drop tail and run away like a little bitch!”
“Eren you’re only saying that because I can’t reach back there and pinch smack the shit out of you”
“No I’m only saying that because I wasn’t expecting my heroes to be cowards!”
“Heroes? Kid what the fuck was I for you like Batman?”
“Yes!”
“Ah!”
“No!”
“You ain’t shit I hope you die! I wanna see you die!”
“Jaeger bomb! Was I Batman?”
“No! You were never Batman! You’re a miserable pathetic failure wrapped in self hatred and loathing dying a cold death alone in the middle of the night!”
“Goddamn... Jaeger bomb. I do not care. What I do care about is that basement. So we’re going to keep running. And through heaven or hell, fire or rain, we are getting to that basement, and I am wearing your dead mothers panties ON MY HEAD!”
“...be the only pantries you see for a while”
“SHUT. THE FUCK. UP!!!!!!!!!!!!”
