My unrequited admiration

I had only two crushes (humans, classmates that I acknowledge) ever since, one is during elementary to 8th grade and the other is during 8th grade onwards though I didn't know when I stopped liking the second one though. And I really liked them quite a lot and was sincere- even wrote songs and poems about them. However, regardless of how much I liked them- I wasn't able to build up the courage to confess. My first crush was aware of my feelings though it's because one of my classmates saw and read the poem I composed for him on my phone while borrowing it and this classmate told the whole class. Though I was not particularly mad about it being unraveled, however, I was indeed quite embarrassed. What even confused me was the fact that this crush of mine began paying attention to me by greeting me and whatnot, however, I did not put any meaning to it because he has a girlfriend that time. During 8th grade though, he just suddenly kissed my right cheek out of the blue and I couldn't forget how stunned I was during that time and it just feels like the time paused for a while. I still remember his saliva that lingered on my cheek and that was the first time someone kissed me on the cheek other than my family. I was quite flustered and just looked at him with visible confusion with my face heated from what he did. I forgot what I did after that, all I remember is that I did not wash my face that night and I was smiling like an idiot for days hahaha.
Unfortunately, this crush of mine is boarding out of the country to study abroad after 8th grade. I still remember how he visited me with our other classmate in my grandma's place before be boarded. It was really embarassing since I just woke up that time with my hair all over the place and haven't bathe yet. I was not even able to offer him some snacks because there was none in my grandma's house, soo sad. The night of this day, he had a farewell party held on his house and I was not present. We weren't particularly close and I don't know- it's just sad to see him go. He even gave his ex his jerseys that night as a remembrance and maybe a promise at the same time so maybe it was a good decision that I didn't go. Though really, I regret not confessing to him. It doesn't have to end up with us being together, he doesn't need to accept or reject my confession- I just want to tell him directly how I feel but I was quite a big coward.

At the latter half of our 8th grade days, there was this classmate of mine who have become quite a big part of reforming my hobbies and overall identity. This classmate of mine introduced me to anime along with our other classmates and even was the reason why I started listening to Sleeping With Sirens since it was his favorite band that time and I am thankful that I got to know this band. He made my remaining junior high school years fun and gave me bunch of recommendations, he even shared his playlist to me which primarily consist of Hatsume Miku and Nightcore songs (though I'm still not a big fan of the genres he like for anime since it's primarily slice of life and drama). He has quite the cheeky personality and likes to complain about alot of things- the very reason why most of his friends are girl and the very reason why it is easy and fun to talk to him. Unlike my first crush, I never plan to confess to him since I think it's better to stay friends without being awkward because of my unwanted confession. We have alot of common friends and I don't want to risk losing such precious friend. This guy never liked me in such a way anyway and everytime he has a girlfriend- I just wish for them to happy til the end of their time together. I still do now, wish for his happiness.

I just want to share my 'crush' life here since I've never told anyone about these. I've never been in a relationship before and have no experience in casual flings or MU chats, that's why it reliefs me that such forum exist here since I can just share things anonymously without being known whenever I'm bored ＼(￣▽￣;)／

Thanks for taking your time to read, til next time~~