First romance was...a mess :/

There was this boy I use to like, but at that time we were both in these really messed up situations. For me, it was the problems within my family followed by financial issues, and for him it was his dad leaving him to be with one of his other family members, and leaving his mom. Honestly, I could say we were both depressed at the time. Young and depressed. So we found comfort in each other by relating to this, although I guess it’s not what you would normally look for in a relationship...

He clearly liked me, and confessed multiple times (over text because we were both too shy) and I’ve always avoided it. Deep down, I liked him too but I ran away from these feelings because, well, I didn’t find him physically attractive enough. I know it sounds horrible and trust me, it was, and I beat myself up over that fact as well but I couldn’t ignore it.

So we texted almost everyday during the summer, talking about the rough and tough events in life we were met by. But because I ran away from these feelings, the ‘relationship’ slowly died out as he felt like I didn’t like him, which wasn’t true but I let it play out that way.

We both did horrid things to ourselves, and hurt others in the process including our parents. It was toxic. To both be trapped in this black hole of sadness and despair. I felt at a complete loss and to be honest, what we had wasn’t the best for our situations. He believed it was love, but I believed I can live without that idea of his...

He went and dated others in the process as well as we had these periods of neglecting our feelings, but he always came back to me. Till this day, almost two years later, he still can’t forget me. He told me he doesn’t like focusing on the present or wondering about the future because he can’t let go of the past. I told him to try his best to forget, honestly, I wanted to say ‘for the sake of your current girlfriend’ but of course I couldn’t bring myself to.

I don’t like him anymore, and it wasn’t love. It was my own desperate attempt at feeling affection as I was lacking it so much. Romance hasn’t ended well for me, so honestly, I can’t really dedicate myself to it anymore. Not now I guess. I hope you liked my long, ‘rainy’ story and maybe we can be sad love buddies together :,)