Just wanted to get some thoughts off my chest

I started using this site a bit more than 5 years ago, right after I managed to leave a very toxic relationship. It was a good escape from all my emotions and it gave me genuine comfort in a time in my life when I was very vulnerable. It ended up being a big part of my daily routine that I couldn't really let go of, because nothing in my life at the time made me quite as happy. After a while, I managed to convince myself that reading an unhealthy amount of BL manga would fulfil me enough that I wouldn't really need to be in an actual relationship. I even prioritized being here for hours a day over deepening my bonds with people who potentially cared about me, I kept everyone at arms length afraid of getting hurt again and indulged on the happy feelings that constantly reading and re reading manga would give me. This was my life until I met a certain someone that really made me want to change. I cut down my internet time to the bare minimum and earnestly put myself out there ready to give it my all, but in the end I did end up getting hurt quite a lot. I'm pretty miserable at the moment but at the same time I'm a bit happy. Something that I realized is that pain is way better than constant emotional numbness. I feel like I somehow moved forward despite feeling like shit, so I will keep trying to do my best at being a normal person from now on. I am also sorry for selfishly putting all of this out here, I do realize its not that interesting but I feel a bit lighter now