Okay so I answered a question here just asking to rant and if you wanna read what i ranted there, i think you can check
https://www.mangago.me/thing/about/893247/For some context under justarandomperson
But the topic is about attachment styles.
im not so sure but I honestly feel so broken with unresolved feelings but I just can't bring myself to talk about it cz i feel like im just being crazy.. like i ranted and @bun said that this was my partner being manipulative but i dont really feel that way yk..? Like when i look back on it, i think i had a disorganized attachment style but i still wanted to resolve problems..
I just felt like screaming here because i was scrolling through my feed and a tiktok popped up showing like the toxic tendencies of an avoidantly attached person and most comments there were just so vicious (honestly whyd i even bother looking at this point this was the norm but i wanted to hold hope..) and it just made me so mad because it was just the complete opposite for the anxious attachment video counterpart.
It made me mad because all the comments were saying that they missed the girl they used to be but when someone else says they didnt want to be avoidant in the first place, most if not all the comments they got were just telling rhem to deal with it already while others say that they should just not date since they dont deserve to as an avoidant.
I was more avoidant because as a middle child, my siblings were just paid more attention to. As a child, i was dismissed constantly and told that i should be the responsible or reasonable one among all my siblings. When I finally had the courage to tell my partner that i liked them, we were fine! I was even okay with the fact that they were anxious because i love them regardless. But then i realized that i started to check out and feel suffocated because they constantly needed reassurance. I was fine with that! But then they started getting jealous of my friends! I was fine with that.. i would try and try and try my best to communicate and reassure because despite my tendency to be avoidant, i wanted to support and take care of them as much as i could because i love them that much.
But i started to check out and be more avoidant because of my partner. I thought of them as my safe person and i mustered my courage to open up to them about my feelings because that was what a healthily attached person would do and i wanted to be that sort of partner to them but i was met with the same dismissive attitude. Things my partner would get jealous of if done with me was being seen as me overreacting and my feelings were constantly ignored and minimized but they would continue to need more and more reassurance and would get frustrated when I dont pick up on their bids. I checked out and a wall built around my feelings because i felt so unsafe and yet that was met with the same "get over it" message when they started to feel anxious about me not being open about my feelings. Wash, rinse, repeat with me trying to open up and take care then being dismissed and being sent tiktoks on how to take care of your anxiously attached partners and all of them saying be open BUT HOW CAN I BE OPEN
I feel like im going insane and like my feelings arent valid just because im avoidant and that just makes me more avoidant. The only reason why i felt safe even talking about this is because its anonymous and nobody i know personally uses or knows i use this site or my username.
What does someone do when the avoidant one is the one that keeps giving while the anxious one keeps taking...?
Im sorry for the long garble of words i feel like i needed to get that out of me since ive just been crying about this and the antidepressants arent really helping me out rn
Messages
Okay, instead of analyzing I'll just tell you as somebody from the end of I guess the expression spectrum who absolutely abhors avoiding types so you can determine if something is really wrong (yes, I have read all of which you've said and your previous post that you linked).
-As someone bold, straightforward, and blunt:
I constantly ask people to explain things to me or express themselves to me, them not doing that is just personally a negative signal that they are not willing to move towards any type of conflict resolution or promote any type of mutual understanding even if it doesn't result in agreeing with one another. (Now you've talked about needing space from your partner and I myself would situationally give my partner space. That's not an issue and like you have said you were willing to talk with your partner. So in the end you are fine)
- The second thing that I would dislike about avoiding types is as one would say, a lack of spine. In real life, I'm not afraid to send some essay long email complaint in bold to a professor who I know I'm seeing the next day, heading to the president's office or constantly going back and forth to whoever's in charge for whenever the hell I need. However, for example, I have a friend who is too shy to enter a classroom because a class was in session and he needed to get the box something he needed. That pissed me off with a rage that could reach the seven levels of hell. (If it seems you are willing to talk to and also bring up things with your partner, then it doesn't seem you're avoidant two important things in the relationship, you asking for space is fine but seeing that you still work towards some sort of resolution is fine, versus if I ask somebody a question and they just shutting up, it'll piss me off much more than them saying something I would disagree with or not approve of.)
Overall You seem to be fine since you seem to want to have communication in a relationship and communication is what a relationship is all about.
oof i can relate to a lot of things you've said - especially the part about emotions not being valid since i'm avoidant -> turning me even more avoidant lmaooo
you're absolutley right, the same way their anxious attachment style is their way to survive, our way to survive is needing more space/"being avoidant", bc we need time to work through thoughts, feeling, emotions etc on our own (or need space to restore a feeling of safety). that doesn't make us less valid and the same goes for them! we're just opposites and have different needs -> most of the times it just doesn't work out between us
when i was younger, someone i was close with had an anxious attachment style and it was often very toxic to the point were we would have constant disagreements and i was put into the position to apologize most of the time - back then i couldn't really choose whether i want to hang out with him or not since we went to the same school, but after graduation i just cut contact with him bc things escalated and my mental health got worse
as i got older and due to experiences like that, i became extremly picky about who to get close with and who not. when i noticed someone was trying to attach them to myself in a more anxious manner, i would immeditaly ended things, bc i knew it wouldn't work out for both of us
my advice would be, not to listen to people like her. there's other people, who will be more understanding for your needs and who you are. i'm currently surrounded by people who respect my boundaries and give me the space i need, when i need it - i do the same for them and my friendships feel much more healthy than back then
partnerships is another topic, but i would say the same applies here - you have to find someone that respects your boundaries and who potentially has similar needs to you (ofc you can't always control, who you fall in love with, but still)
i hope what i'm saying is making sense since it's already late here haha but you're not alone with this <3
i forgot to add some things
- surround yourself not only with people, who have similar needs to you, but people who give you the time and space to grow!
a friend of mine and i are polar opposites, but he‘s so understanding and it makes me so emotional - i was able to open up to him regarding some stuff and he was very empathetic and patient with me. it makes it feel worth it to get out of my comfort zone
- i agree with the replier above, communication is a big key! when i say, i end things immediately with anxious attachment style people, it‘s mostly when i notice, communication won‘t help this relationship. this will just end up being a endless toxic loop and it will help neither of us