im really not doing well lately

recently read one too many mangas with Csa or suicide themes. They were very well done but damn, I should be careful. I know it's my fault. The trigger warnings are there for a reason lmao. It's almost as if I'm eager to prove that I'm 'normal' now by ignoring my triggers. Like I don't want to believe that I have still not moved on or have healed. And yea arguing with people on the internet, while being in an active panic attack, should almost count as sh lol. Just.....I hate this, yknow? i feel like a fucking weak fragile thing, like woah it's been 8 years and I still can't read these things without remembering his fucking goddamn face. I hate feeling weak more than anything. When people say stuff like "Oh it's so sad what happened", the only thing I think about is how small I feel. I hate being pitied. I just wish I could lose my memories. Healing, therapy, everything's so fucking hard. I can't help but think why do I have to work so hard? Why me, while that fucker is happy and dead. He had his fun until his last breath,didn't he?