RELATIONSHIPS

So I'm in a situationship with somebody. I like them like ik I'm into them in a romantic way but I know to myself I cannot commit to this relationship. I have a lot issues with myself, mostly because I'm in a point of my life I just hate myself. I don't want this person that I like to waste their time on me.

And I'm stuck because there's a lot of moments I retract to myself, and literally don't talk to anyone during my episodes. There's times where I just disappear for days without warning, friends, families, anyone. In this case I end up ghosting them and I feel like such a fucking asshole. It should've been an easy fix but during those times I just cannot talk to people at all.

I told them about all this and it's an asshole move for me— but I tried to cut them off my life. They're such a fucking amazing person y'all I fucking kid you not. Understanding to a point they don't blame me for my bullshit disappearances. Also they went along with my demand to see for 6 months if we're gonna work out before we get into a relationship. And they're so fucking patient with me, so calm and attentive. Affectionate as hell, they made me feel like I'm the only one for them. I like them a whole lot. I like them so much I literally cannot let them be with me because I fucking SUCK.

They asked me one time if I wanted to just stop the fuckass situationship we have, cuz I kept on worrying and secretly hoping that they'd just leave me and find another girl so I can be back to being alone. I'm mfucking torn I don't want to lose them but I don't want them to end up with me. They didn't want me to say yes, but they'd do it if I told em to fuck off and I ended up just liking them more.

I SWEAR TO GOD I'M MY WORST OPP. My feelings hasn't changed about liking them and wanting to run away bc ik I'm going to end up ruining this good thing. What the fuck do I do.