Yall I just gotta rant
I mean, I knew it was coming. I’ve noticed already that I was less active with the important things in life—school, friends, and family. I wasn’t sure if this was burnout or another reason, but I kept going on like nothing was wrong with my life. Then my sophomore year in college starts, and I just knew it was coming faster than what I had expected. I was still thriving in the first few months, but everything fell apart just last month and this month. I isolated myself from everything and everyone.
I hadn’t talked to my parents in a month, my friends, and people from uni. I knew I was burnt out—from what though? Was it the extracurriculars I committed since my freshman year becoming too much? Was it the guilt of being the favored child and not having the chance to open up about it in fear of being an attention seeker? Was it the guilt of having to live up to standards so that I won’t “fuck up” like the ones who came before me? Or was it the scholarship I was granted but desperately hoped it wouldn’t accept me? Thing is, I know those reasons aren’t even like, heavy, you know, compared to others. I mean there are literally so many people who would trade their lives for mine. I know i’m privileged.
I’m ruining my life in just a month of isolation, but I can’t come back to reality just because I missed the chance to redeem myself in time. I had so many people checking up on me, with what I believe to be is genuine concern for me, but I always end up running away. Like I need that escape for a while, like can’t I be granted some sort of peace for just a month. My brain knows that if I were given that space, I know i’d be okay after a while, I can fix myself so that I can approach others again without them having to worry about me.
I’m not saying this to be like, idk, weird. But I genuinely have had multiple sui ideations when reality keeps reminding me of what I should be prioritizing. It’s gone so bad that I can’t even open up about it to anyone who knows me personally, it’s incredibly embarrassing. Because why would I be having those thoughts when I am living the life someone would have wanted? I’m so, god i dont know anymore.
I was never really one to open up about my thoughts to anyone—be it a friend or a family member. I would rather just be alone and deal with it instead. So maybe, just maybe, if anyone sees this, I hope you’re having a day bearable enough to live on. Because i dont know how long I can stand. I dont know if im making sense.
Messages
What would be the harm in letting people notice? You wrote that people are already worried that you isolate yourself, so it seems as if those people would like to help you.. I'm trying to understand why you feel that way, bc everytime I've been in a depressive episode it was bc of some reason, whether it be outside situations or like existential problems. Matter of fact it feels like I'm heading towards another one right now, but I've had enough of them that I'm self aware why they happen, so maybe I can help you, and thats why I replied
Hang in there please! You don't need to have heavy reasons, please don't compare your situation to others. Even if you have a better life compared to others it doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. It doesn't mean you can't have negative thoughts. Everyone suffers. Everyone feels. You don't have to be "perfect" all the time. It's okay. Please please, hang in there.
I've been in a similar situation to yours, burn out for seemingly no reason, blaming myself for being like this. Pushing away all the people around me and isolating myself, running away. Thinking "What am I doing to myself?", so I empathize with you a lot. I'm still trying to heal. So yes, please give yourself that space to be okay again.
Opening up is hard, so so hard. After a while you sink and it's hard to get back to the shore. But you can do it. It's not embarrassing, it's one of the things that comes with being human, shouldering your own burden. If you need anyone to talk to, there are so many people on this site. I've found talking to strangers is easier than talking to people around you. I'm here for you too, brothers in a boat or smth shoot me a dm. Or post about it here. Please don't bottle it in.
You can stand long, you are so strong. For now, please focus on yourself. It's hard but with little steps daily. You can do it. I'm also trying to do it, and I do believe it's possible. You are not past the point of "redemption", no one is. For now, just let people around you know that you'll need some time alone. Right now, drink some water, lie down, and try to breathe, don't sink into these destructive thoughts... you deserve everything good in this world.
Try to get yourself in a better mental headspace and then slowly, when you're comfortable with it, you can open up to people around you. Give yourself time, you've got this!!
I hope this at least somewhat makes you feel better. Sending all the virtual hugs I have to you, dear stranger!!
Is it only the burnout that makes you feel like this? Or something more?
I DIDNT THINK SOMEONE WOULD ACTUALLY REPLY but thing is, im not entirely sure that what im feeling is burn out, im just, i dont know what i feel anymore, i cant allow myself to feel because someone’s gonna notice-
Please allow yourself to feel, I know it's hard and I know it's easier said than done but please! Let them notice, you deserve to feel. It feels like all the pressure, all the expectations they have will crumble but if they don't you will be the who crumbles under all the numb ignored feelings... at very it feels like a devastating disappointment that you've let the people around you down but after that it feels so liberating, like there is nothing chaining you down. So please, it's okay let them notice everyone deserves to feel
Plus, the people around you will definitely care. All those who've reached out. They'll care, trust me. They'll notice and they'll support you.