I want to start by saying this is just based on my own experiences, so take it however you want. One thing I’ve noticed is that whenever dating comes up, whether it’s with coworkers or even random conversations with people, I sometimes feel like I have to lie. A lot of people just don’t seem to understand the idea of love without sexual desire. That’s always felt a little strange to me, because people can usually understand having sex without love, but they struggle to imagine love without sex. anyway Because of that, I get a lot of uncomfortable questions like People ask if something happened to me, if I had a bad experience growing up or in a past relationship. Some even suggest I should get psychological help to “fix” it. I’ve also been called a “femcel” before, which honestly fuck them but anyway It’s like people don’t believe that someone like me can just exist this way naturally, or that my identity is not real and or valid. I’ve also run into this in LGBTQ+ spaces when it comes to ace people. Sometimes it feels like were not taken seriously because our identity is seen as too small or “not oppressed enough.” But I always thought the whole point of the LGBTQ+ community was to support people whose experiences fall outside the norm, no matter how visible or common they are.
There’s also a bigger pattern behind all of this that I can’t ignore. Society, both in straight and LGBTQ+ communities, really leans into something called compulsory sexuality. It’s basically the assumption that everyone experiences sexual attraction, and that it’s just a normal, expected part of being human. Because of that, people who don’t relate to that are often misunderstood, dismissed, or treated as if something is wrong with them. ace people basically opt out of that whole thing and are outside the box of our sexual society. Anyway, I have a lot more things I could say about this topic, but I'll leave it like this.
Aroace here, & I relate to a lot of the things you mentioned on being ace & not being respected, & after reading "not oppressed enough" I got so upset I had to yap. This will be a lot so to whoever's reading, feel free to move on if you get bored as it's a lot of directionless rambling.
I'm upset because of the fact that, as aro/ace people, allo people constantly downplay our problems, minimize our experiences as either childhood trauma or a fixable problem, & both our "own community" of LGBTQ+ as well as those outside of it either completely forget we exist, think we have it easier, or believe they can "fix someone" by sexually harassing them (heard about multiple times online, unverified but believable imo).
My online experience for as long as I can remember has been truly isolating, lonely, & frustrating whenever I think about what's in front of me. The amount of romance & sex in songs, games, videos, movies, & comics is a frequent reminder that most of the world will never understand me & has never even thought to try.
I believe my feelings of being inadequate, alone, & suffocated are because of the value placed on romance & sex. Romance is seen as the most close & fulfilling relationship that everyone needs to find in their life, & sex is seen as a logical part of romance despite them being very separate things like you said.
The idea of romance gets pushed at a young age with Disney movies (i.e. Cinderella, Snow White, etc.) or shows for tween girls (the Miraculous Ladybug type of show), which gives subconscious importance to those feelings & thus makes other types of love, like familial & especially platonic, fall a little lower as priorities.
Another way that higher value is emphasized is language. Phrases like "just a friend," "friend with benefits," or "only saw me as.a friend" reinforce that friendship is less valuable than romance or sex, as though being someone's friend isn't a benefit or being a friend is just a stepping stool.
Even when I read things where romance or sex aren't the focus, like action or horror, it's added in as a b-point or all over the comments, becoming a central part of whatever that media is regardless of the presence in the original story. I also love to sing & a LOT of songs are about romance or sex. It's obviously not every song, but the odds are a song exists because of "love", & the only "love" people care about is the romantic kind.
Now, I can guess what anyone who has gone on this site, or even my profile may be thinking: "you say all this then turn around & read smut though?" Yes, you're right, but I've developed a very toxic cyclical habit. I'll see or hear something & fhen soend hours or days reading, attempting to understand & simultaneously convincing myself it's perfectly believable that I could relate if I simply meet the hyper specific right person. Then reading some more, & failing to grasp what makes all of this actually fun, alluring, or better than friendship in the way most romantic/sexual media implies in the first place, then once again feeling isolated by societies standards of normal.
In real life I'm (hopefully) not around the kind of people & places where I'd feel like I'm abnormal too often, but it's more likely I'm just so desensitized that I don't notice. I have no idea when it started, (my memory isnt the best) but at some point a few monfhs back, I realized I tend to self isolate (hence the many mentions of isolation) & hide behind my own mental "4th wall" as a defense mechanism, reading my own life insfead of living it as though it's just another comic.
But whenever my guards down irl, & people mention romance (no one's bringing up sex irl without my guard already being up, trust), all the inner conflict & toxicity creeps back. It's a draining, complicated thing to hear friends talk about being "done with dating," or letting me know their crushes, or finding out they had messy breakups when I never knew they were dating because its never on my mind. I know that it's unintentional, but it hurts knowing they are living experiences I can never have. It's not jealousy or anything, just exhaustion from the start of another round of obsessive thoughts over trying to understand what I can't.
Yo, a genuine question (tell me if i end up being prejudiced, i dont know much about ace and its “field” of sexuality (or, in this case non-sexuality(?)) but i want to learn) if you are just assexual (like, you still have romantic feelings, but just dont really care about sex), how can you tell romantic love and the kind of love that you feel for your friends or even family members apart? And i think that society just thinks that sex is the like “minimum” because, in the end of the day, we are animals, and animals normally have this instinct to reproduce themselves to maintain the species, and theres no need of a real feeling of “affection”, and because of hormones too. And i know that because of consciousness, we are categorized as “intelligent beings” so that would not care much, but theres still traces of that “biological” logic in our society, and that lead to a bunch of prejudices actually (like lgbt+phobia and etc) But like, love romantically, its much more psychological i think, its much more difficult to “build” and to maintain, it needs time, attention, caring, and it is not necessarily something necessary for maintaining the species, its something much more complex. Even more nowadays that the relationships are becoming more and more shallow, people want immediate access of dopamine, of happiness, so its MUCH more easier to just have sex and to get the pleasure that comes with it than to spend time growing real connections. WELL AT LEAST THATS WHAT I THINK pls dont throw hate at me, i dont have any problem with ace people (sometimes i just have questions), and i was just trying to talk about something that catches my interest and to give a harmless opinion based in some philosophical, biological and sociological fields that i learned about in high school（/TДT)/
And if im wrong, pls correct me! But pls lets do it gently (づ￣ ³￣)づ
Appreciate you asking this in a respectful way it means a lot that you’re open to learning. For your first question, the difference between romantic love and the love I feel for friends or family isn’t about sexual attraction. It’s more about emotional closeness, intention, and the kind of relationship I want with someone. Romantic love, for me, includes things like wanting a deeper one-on-one bond, emotional intimacy, affection, possibly partnership or building a life together, just without the sexual component. It feels different, even if it can be hard to put into exact words. About what you said with biology and society, I don’t totally disagree, but I think that’s also where something like compulsory sexuality comes in. Society tends to assume that everyone experiences sexual attraction because reproduction exists, but that doesn’t actually reflect everyone’s lived experience. Just like some people are gay or bi, some people are asexual—it’s not something broken or missing, it’s just a natural variation. I do agree with you that romantic love is more complex and takes effort, and that a lot of people lean toward easier, more immediate forms of connection. But for me, love without sex isn’t “less” or “incomplete”—it’s just different, and still just as meaningful. And don’t worry, you weren’t offensive. Asking questions respectfully like this is honestly the best way to understand ( • ω • )y
Appreciate you asking this in a respectful way it means a lot that you’re open to learning.For your first question, the difference between romantic love and the love I feel for friends or family isn’t about... Ma Cherie
OH YOU WERE SO SWEET ╥﹏╥ Im touched, and ty for answering so fast and sweetly By meaning the social/biological aspects, i was trying to question and to understand (not agree) why almost everyone is so “obsessed” with sex, not really to justify it, so i dont really think that its separated or independent. If we look into it, i see that reproduction is a sensible topic to humanity (even more with the rising of the christian church), and then everything that in theory goes in the opposite way of it, its seen as a wrong doing. And i think maybe this’ll be a dumb question: but how it would work in non-monogamic relationships? Like, in exemple, in a hypothetical relationship that there’s 5 people and they all are ace? And i you dont know either thats ok, im just asking from curiosity lol Ty again for being so gentle with your answer ヾ(❀╹◡╹)ﾉ~
yeah i mean incels famously want to have sex and noone will have sex w/ them...the people calling OP a femcel are really misunderstanding a lot of things
Messages
**BIG RANT**
Aroace here, & I relate to a lot of the things you mentioned on being ace & not being respected, & after reading "not oppressed enough" I got so upset I had to yap. This will be a lot so to whoever's reading, feel free to move on if you get bored as it's a lot of directionless rambling.
I'm upset because of the fact that, as aro/ace people, allo people constantly downplay our problems, minimize our experiences as either childhood trauma or a fixable problem, & both our "own community" of LGBTQ+ as well as those outside of it either completely forget we exist, think we have it easier, or believe they can "fix someone" by sexually harassing them (heard about multiple times online, unverified but believable imo).
My online experience for as long as I can remember has been truly isolating, lonely, & frustrating whenever I think about what's in front of me. The amount of romance & sex in songs, games, videos, movies, & comics is a frequent reminder that most of the world will never understand me & has never even thought to try.
I believe my feelings of being inadequate, alone, & suffocated are because of the value placed on romance & sex. Romance is seen as the most close & fulfilling relationship that everyone needs to find in their life, & sex is seen as a logical part of romance despite them being very separate things like you said.
The idea of romance gets pushed at a young age with Disney movies (i.e. Cinderella, Snow White, etc.) or shows for tween girls (the Miraculous Ladybug type of show), which gives subconscious importance to those feelings & thus makes other types of love, like familial & especially platonic, fall a little lower as priorities.
Another way that higher value is emphasized is language. Phrases like "just a friend," "friend with benefits," or "only saw me as.a friend" reinforce that friendship is less valuable than romance or sex, as though being someone's friend isn't a benefit or being a friend is just a stepping stool.
Even when I read things where romance or sex aren't the focus, like action or horror, it's added in as a b-point or all over the comments, becoming a central part of whatever that media is regardless of the presence in the original story. I also love to sing & a LOT of songs are about romance or sex. It's obviously not every song, but the odds are a song exists because of "love", & the only "love" people care about is the romantic kind.
Now, I can guess what anyone who has gone on this site, or even my profile may be thinking: "you say all this then turn around & read smut though?" Yes, you're right, but I've developed a very toxic cyclical habit. I'll see or hear something & fhen soend hours or days reading, attempting to understand & simultaneously convincing myself it's perfectly believable that I could relate if I simply meet the hyper specific right person. Then reading some more, & failing to grasp what makes all of this actually fun, alluring, or better than friendship in the way most romantic/sexual media implies in the first place, then once again feeling isolated by societies standards of normal.
In real life I'm (hopefully) not around the kind of people & places where I'd feel like I'm abnormal too often, but it's more likely I'm just so desensitized that I don't notice. I have no idea when it started, (my memory isnt the best) but at some point a few monfhs back, I realized I tend to self isolate (hence the many mentions of isolation) & hide behind my own mental "4th wall" as a defense mechanism, reading my own life insfead of living it as though it's just another comic.
But whenever my guards down irl, & people mention romance (no one's bringing up sex irl without my guard already being up, trust), all the inner conflict & toxicity creeps back. It's a draining, complicated thing to hear friends talk about being "done with dating," or letting me know their crushes, or finding out they had messy breakups when I never knew they were dating because its never on my mind. I know that it's unintentional, but it hurts knowing they are living experiences I can never have. It's not jealousy or anything, just exhaustion from the start of another round of obsessive thoughts over trying to understand what I can't.
Yo, a genuine question (tell me if i end up being prejudiced, i dont know much about ace and its “field” of sexuality (or, in this case non-sexuality(?)) but i want to learn) if you are just assexual (like, you still have romantic feelings, but just dont really care about sex), how can you tell romantic love and the kind of love that you feel for your friends or even family members apart?
And i think that society just thinks that sex is the like “minimum” because, in the end of the day, we are animals, and animals normally have this instinct to reproduce themselves to maintain the species, and theres no need of a real feeling of “affection”, and because of hormones too. And i know that because of consciousness, we are categorized as “intelligent beings” so that would not care much, but theres still traces of that “biological” logic in our society, and that lead to a bunch of prejudices actually (like lgbt+phobia and etc)
But like, love romantically, its much more psychological i think, its much more difficult to “build” and to maintain, it needs time, attention, caring, and it is not necessarily something necessary for maintaining the species, its something much more complex. Even more nowadays that the relationships are becoming more and more shallow, people want immediate access of dopamine, of happiness, so its MUCH more easier to just have sex and to get the pleasure that comes with it than to spend time growing real connections.
WELL AT LEAST THATS WHAT I THINK
pls dont throw hate at me, i dont have any problem with ace people (sometimes i just have questions), and i was just trying to talk about something that catches my interest and to give a harmless opinion based in some philosophical, biological and sociological fields that i learned about in high school（/TДT)/
And if im wrong, pls correct me! But pls lets do it gently (づ￣ ³￣)づ
Appreciate you asking this in a respectful way it means a lot that you’re open to learning.
For your first question, the difference between romantic love and the love I feel for friends or family isn’t about sexual attraction. It’s more about emotional closeness, intention, and the kind of relationship I want with someone. Romantic love, for me, includes things like wanting a deeper one-on-one bond, emotional intimacy, affection, possibly partnership or building a life together, just without the sexual component. It feels different, even if it can be hard to put into exact words.
About what you said with biology and society, I don’t totally disagree, but I think that’s also where something like compulsory sexuality comes in. Society tends to assume that everyone experiences sexual attraction because reproduction exists, but that doesn’t actually reflect everyone’s lived experience. Just like some people are gay or bi, some people are asexual—it’s not something broken or missing, it’s just a natural variation.
I do agree with you that romantic love is more complex and takes effort, and that a lot of people lean toward easier, more immediate forms of connection. But for me, love without sex isn’t “less” or “incomplete”—it’s just different, and still just as meaningful.
And don’t worry, you weren’t offensive. Asking questions respectfully like this is honestly the best way to understand ( • ω • )y
OH YOU WERE SO SWEET ╥﹏╥
Im touched, and ty for answering so fast and sweetly
By meaning the social/biological aspects, i was trying to question and to understand (not agree) why almost everyone is so “obsessed” with sex, not really to justify it, so i dont really think that its separated or independent.
If we look into it, i see that reproduction is a sensible topic to humanity (even more with the rising of the christian church), and then everything that in theory goes in the opposite way of it, its seen as a wrong doing.
And i think maybe this’ll be a dumb question: but how it would work in non-monogamic relationships? Like, in exemple, in a hypothetical relationship that there’s 5 people and they all are ace? And i you dont know either thats ok, im just asking from curiosity lol
Ty again for being so gentle with your answer ヾ(❀╹◡╹)ﾉ~
OMG THE INCEL PART IS SO TRUE? like what do you mean not wanting to have sex makes you an incel oh my god
yeah i mean incels famously want to have sex and noone will have sex w/ them...the people calling OP a femcel are really misunderstanding a lot of things