It's hard doing all this alone, know there's others there for you, you got this bud

This was in highschool, I had a guy bestfriend. I decided to kinda let them in because in elementary my bestfriends started bullying me so I've had trust issues from then to now. Let call him X, X and i friendship was good. We had the same interests and slowly became friends. I liked out friendship because he was an amazing friend, I've never had like a guy friend(s). So almost 6monfhs pass and he had confessed to me one morning in the hallway when I was with my sister. I was kinda in shock because during the almost 6months people had given hints and as well as him, in which others told me. I am no good in this area because I thought he was just being nice. I never had someone tell me they liked me ever. So I was shocked. My mom knew and mostly everyone did because he had said so, except for me. I didnt give an answer because I didnt really know what to say and I didnt like him like that, I saw him as a sibling. I felt so bad because I didnt like him back. Ik it seems bad but I rejected him around two or three days later. I felt so bad and guilt. I never acted weird around him to make it seem like I hated or anything. Later on I felt he started to avoid me, so thought of it as oh he needs space and I'm fine with that. Then weeks passed and I felt he started to kinda ignore me and I felt he kinda hated me. We slowly started to drift. Next year came and still nothing. The guilt kept piling on and upon that the amount of hatred I've had on myself was no good either, many things just kept piling from my mental illness. I have an eating disorder and back then was real bad, I would starve and exercise so much and sometimes binged, because I looked fat. I hit a low on Christmas day and broke. Worst decision I've made was this day to self harm for a while. I blamed myself for not keeping friendships and blamed myself for X and I not being friends anymore. I also blamed myself for not having friends or being able to keep them. I kept putting in my head he was only friends with me in the begging just to get me to like him or just to idle date and it was all fake. As well as other stuff. I will never know but ik X is a good person, they're sweet and kind. I began healing and rethinking about all this. When I thought back to X and I friendship I remember and thought it wasnt a good friendship as I thought. We weren't okay, we both suffered from mental illnesses, I felt I got worse when friends with X but I just wanted a friend that understood. I was always there for X and tried to make sure he was. I put everything to it. I never bamed X for anything. I still wish X for better and happiness. X deserves it and a better friend, I hope he gets the help. I've tried talking to him again but kinda didnt work, his birthday came up and I said happy birthday and smiled but after that nothing else, X's gotten thinner and worry for X, I just wish them good health and happiness they truly deserve it. We made some good memories but I've tried to suppress because it hurt me so much.
~~What I did on Christmas I deeply regret, there are times I'm tempted but I've stayed clean for around almost 3and half months and working on my mental health, I've also gained weight back and am now losing it healthily, I've relapsed a bit but its going good. It's hard doing all this alone, know there's others there for you, you got this bud. Your strong you beautiful human