is it not funny how the worst early memory I have of my dad is him (a chronic smoker) smoking on the porch, and when I tried to make conversation, cuz I was a bored child he would either ignore me or answer halfheartedly to be on his phone, or just told me to go inside. this repeat everytime until I give up.
whereas for my mom, it's me being dragged to the front door crying and kicked out. I remember crying and banging the door. I don't remember why she did it or why I was crying. I was only let in after my aunt open the door. I don't remember this event until recently so ig it's quite traumatic for me.
I love my mom. or rather, I neither feel hate or resent her most of the time. as annoying we she is, she's still my mom so I can't resent her much (yet) but I hate my dad. he's absent, selfish, and i found out he cheated on my mom years ago and I stop respecting him as much. I kinda don't care that I'm his biggest source of stress in life rn. I wish I either don't have him around or have a new dad. my mom deserve better
I grew in a household where abuse was considered the correct form of raising, my earliest memory of my mum is her getting mad at me for getting hurt and beating me up, I've grown to realize as an adult that what she has gone through as a kid could never justify the amount of fear she implanted in my heart. But to some degree, I STILL love my mum, I've been told it's a sign of projection and dissociation to try and love with the fact that I'll be stuck with her forever emotionally.
As for my dad, he was exactly the same as yours, except he didn't cheat, and I think that him staying in the picture only made things worse, I think him, and us as their kids, are what drags my mum down the path of abuse, she loves us but she can't handle being around us for too long, the very idea of spending time us makes her repulsive and sick,,
I'm a person who can't cut someone off from my life entirely and I think my parents are the reason, anytime someone does something bad or horrible to me, I think that I was able to forgive someone who beat me up almost everyday and someone who was absent from my life trying to chase the illusion of success he had, and I end up thinking that if I forgave those two people, surely the others deserve forgiveness too.
It's very exhausting and draining and I've tried to change myself for my own sake, but I fail continuously to set the correct boundaries but it's hard because they have broken every boundary I had with them, and nothing can fix any type of bond we could've had , even if I don't hate mt parents, I blame them for every day that went by and they didn't care about what I had said or did, or anytime they've beaten my up to 'correct my behavior', anytime somebody sees the scars on my body they think it's some type of self harm, but it's my mum nails that were dug into my arms and neck to keep me stable as she hit me and spewed derogatory terms about me .
Sorry for venting I just needed this out...and I wanted to let you know that I understand how confusing these feelings just be
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I grew in a household where abuse was considered the correct form of raising, my earliest memory of my mum is her getting mad at me for getting hurt and beating me up, I've grown to realize as an adult that what she has gone through as a kid could never justify the amount of fear she implanted in my heart. But to some degree, I STILL love my mum, I've been told it's a sign of projection and dissociation to try and love with the fact that I'll be stuck with her forever emotionally.
As for my dad, he was exactly the same as yours, except he didn't cheat, and I think that him staying in the picture only made things worse, I think him, and us as their kids, are what drags my mum down the path of abuse, she loves us but she can't handle being around us for too long, the very idea of spending time us makes her repulsive and sick,,
I'm a person who can't cut someone off from my life entirely and I think my parents are the reason, anytime someone does something bad or horrible to me, I think that I was able to forgive someone who beat me up almost everyday and someone who was absent from my life trying to chase the illusion of success he had, and I end up thinking that if I forgave those two people, surely the others deserve forgiveness too.
It's very exhausting and draining and I've tried to change myself for my own sake, but I fail continuously to set the correct boundaries but it's hard because they have broken every boundary I had with them, and nothing can fix any type of bond we could've had , even if I don't hate mt parents, I blame them for every day that went by and they didn't care about what I had said or did, or anytime they've beaten my up to 'correct my behavior', anytime somebody sees the scars on my body they think it's some type of self harm, but it's my mum nails that were dug into my arms and neck to keep me stable as she hit me and spewed derogatory terms about me .
Sorry for venting I just needed this out...and I wanted to let you know that I understand how confusing these feelings just be