I am so done, I am gonna remain single till I die.
Why do I have to like only GOOD looking people when I look so ugly myself?? why oh god why? Like my eyes only like good looking people.
I had kind of a first kiss today and it was a bad experience.
To note: He ain't my boyfriend or a fling, it wasn't a date either, but I kinda knew in the back of my mind that it was gonna turn out to be like that because the guys in my country are just creepy & cheap like that (maybe the guys I know are just of that level, IDK, it may be misery loves misery kind of thing). And I kind knew he was interested in that way in me. Anyway, I should have stopped it since the beginning, yes, but I didn't want to stay lips virgin kinda thing even at this age cause I am old af. And I kinda thought I would feel okay if the mood been right.
But, remembering the moment back, I feel this odd crawl in my body and its not a good feeling and I find him so ugly.
I am UGLY, I grew up listening how ugly I am, and since I am a practical, judgmental person I know I am ugly. So I feel terrible on judging someone like that, but I still don't find him attractive at all. I am the worst. But maybe kdramas and manhwas have ruined me, so bad.
I didn't find any kind of stars or even any good feeling at all with first kiss. I didn't like it. And all kind of emotions are running though me.
I thought maybe I am asexual, but nope I wanna have sex, I wanna kiss and do all that stuff. I get so hot and bothered when I read smut and watch kiss scenes.
I thought the possibility of it being terrible because I didn't like him, but then again, I don't wanna date at all, I don't believe in love, I wanna experience romance, but love, I don't think I am capable of it, and there was a possibility of romance, I think? but maybe not.
I also thought, it was terrible because he was terrible at it, but that I don't know because I don't have experience. Maybe?
And then I came to this conclusion, it was because I didn't find him attractive at all, because when I remember it now, I remember his face, and I don't like it. But when I think of some attractive person (yes, I know a lot of actors), I think I would've loved it.
I am such a terrible, superficial person.
I grew all cold after the kiss and spent an hour lecturing him on his lack of not knowing time, place, mood, consent and how street cheap that was. I think it was his first kiss as well and I ruined it
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Honestly kiss and sex only sound good thru media. The actual deed is mostly aweful. Hello stinky breathe? The saliva that tastes questionable? Also better off buying sex toys, it'll help u climax better like those u read in smut. Actual dicks r useless specially if the body owner dunno how to use it. Chances r it'll only hurt.
Nothing wrong w liking good looking people too. Like we r all slaves to beauty. Men likes sexy women, so why can't women want handsome dude too? Don't force urself to like someone just cause they're attracted to u. Raise ur bars! Who cares if it's someone unreachable. Dream high! fly high! Put urself in a higher pedestal, just raise ur standards. Hot guys r attracted to confident woman
thank you. I feel a little less terrible.
and I do have a sex toy, a vibrator, so glad I mustered courage to purchase it. But I think I overused it a lot sometimes and even that is not exciting me now.
I don't think my mind even registered the breath or saliva today. i felt nothing except eww, just simply eww.
and I do think I am confident, in a way, that I am arrogant and egoistical. It is off putting to even myself. Even in the matter I know nothing of I am like that, got that bad habit since childhood and still can't shake it off.
I am confiding so much today, but my mind is a mess. Sorry.
It's a valid crash out dw. People tend to romanticize alot of things cause we usually reference it to what we've read. Specially the "firsts". Society even made virginity something "sacred". But honestly bets that those r just standards made by men for men. Maybe it's not the "firsts" that matters, not even the "last", but the "best". U indeed sound confident, I love that for you. Keep shining! I hope u get to experience ur "best" oneday ヾ(❀╹◡╹)ﾉ~
Aro/ace here, well I can tell you that my first kiss made me feel so uncomfortable it made me feel physically ill for like four days after the fact. My point being, I think mental shit and ideas of what you hope things to feel like can effect an experience a lot, and it sounds like you have a lot going on when it comes to your thoughts and hopes from a sexual and or romantic perspective. I’m not saying it’s bad to have thoughts what you imagine and want things to be, that’s a very normal human thing lmao it’s desire and curiosity. Just mentioning it because I think that’s probably what soured your first kiss experience. From the sounds of it you wanted the experience here and less the person, and that feeling hit after it happened. Like in my case, you wanted to try kissing and saw someone who seemed interested, so you experimented. It could be several things, but you mentioning how you weren’t really attracted to the guy on top of why you kissed him in the first place are in my opinion what hurt the experience. I won’t speak on your thoughts about your appearance, I don’t think I’m really in a position to say ‘appearance doesn’t matter!’ Because I know it does effect a lot when it comes to intimacy, or on how you showed your reaction to the kiss with him. You clearly feel bad about that. This message got kinda long lol but I’ll leave you with the thought that theres no real fool proof way to find out this stuff, and in future just make sure you’re not hurting the other person involved. Sexuality and romance are a spectrum of different enjoyment factors, and they differ from person to person. You could feel low romance and high physical attraction, another time it could be the complete opposite. Pursue things that will add to your life not hurt you instead.
"From the sounds of it you wanted the experience here and less the person, and that feeling hit after it happened."
yup, thank you for putting my feelings into words.
and you are exactly right on what you said about me experimenting it cause I saw someone who was interested and how my expectation was the reason i feel this terrible, because when I calmed down a little and thought about it, this was the conclusion I reached as well.
and even though I lectured him and probably hurt him, I tried to control the urge of drinking water and spitting it after rinsing my mouth and wiping my lips after the kiss, because even at that messy moment, I didn't want him to have that kind of bad first kiss experience because I also used him in a way. It may seem like me defending myself, but honestly, I tried my best to not hurt him.
But seriously thank you.
And not to enjoy your misery, I feel less terrible that I at least didn't go physically ill for 4 days. I can't even imagine how that would've felt.
There is nothing wrong with being drawn to people based on looks. For most of us it's quite natural. You can only like a person (who isn't good looking) if they have a great heart or make you feel safe.
If you ever find someone who makes you feel safe, you will not see that person based on their looks but beyond that. And that is a quite beautiful feeling.
I would like to know your age (only if you are comfortable to mention) as you have mentioned that you are a bit old. It's just genuine curiosity of mine.
Thank you. Genuinely thank you. I calmed down a little.
And I'm 24. Damn I feel old just mentioning it, even 13-14 year old kid has first love and first kiss, I am already in my twenties. I never even thought there would come a day I would be insecure because of my age, but here I am.
You are not that old. 24 is nothing. People love till 70 honey. I can understand of you feeling left out though.
If you ever feel like questioning yourself like "Oh this person is doing better than me, tf am I doing?" Then say to yourself "This is comparison" . Mostly this reminder to yourself stops your thoughts from going further.
Hehe, thank you. I am feeling so thankful to you guys seriously.
And i have been told 24 is not old, but I can't help myself thinking it, it won't go away from my mind. But honestly, there is no way I would even meet anyone for about 2 more years because now I seriously need to think of my career, I ignored it way too much. Plus my subject is the field where contact is non-existent or maybe because its me, idk. Anyway, so that is why I feel old mostly, and in my country, it is honestly so rare to find single attractive guys at the age of 26-27. Talking with statistics of my country.