Silly rant

Just now I was listening to a song I used to listened to back when I was in high school, I loved this song so much and I remember when they first added the option to add notes on ig, and I added that song, the next day one of my friends told me she really liked the song I added on my notes.
I'm no longer friends with that girl, but I remember being there for her when she needed me, and I specially remembered that she told me that, because it made me so happy at the time.
Then I started thinking about all the people I no longer talk to, some close, some not so much, but I noticed how much I pay attention to such little things.
I remember that (these are all fake names for the sake of this making sense) Lia doesn't like tomatos, but loves tomato flavored foods and snacks, and that her favorite fruit flavor of anything is peach, how Nic told me she likes when her noodles are way soggy, Jake can't roll his tounge, Eddie once share a song with me abt this artists he really liked, and only wished for one day to dedicate that song with the person he loved the most, and more more things.
I wondered why is it that my mind remembers so little dumb details, was it because I was still hoping to be closer to them? To get the opportunity of meeting again in life and do a re-do of my friendships? Do I just remember random bullshit and it doesn't really have any meaning? Do I just miss them? Do they remember things like that about me too?
It makes me sad to think about how I didn't really got to enjoy school in general, I was a weird kid, and making friends(more like actually maintaining them) was difficult for me, I never was the first option of someone, and I'm still not, my interests I guess were considered very different to what kids at my school liked.
And to the friends I did have, as much as I loved them, part of me couldn't help but be jealous of their normalcy, of their families, hobbies, friends, interests
I would always try my friend's interest and likes so I could engage with all fo them. Did they try mine?
More than anything I was jealous that most of them had normal families they could talk to, get a sense of warmth and comfort.
I mourn the kid and childhood I could've had if I had normal interests had a normal family relationship, wasn't exposed to the internet at such early age, if I wasn't mentally ill.
And I guess all of these things makes me the person I am right now, which I don't hate, but I mourn for the person I could've been
I don't really want to reach out, because even just thinking about people from school, I get anxious, now that I try to remember, everything feels more like a blur? I still am jealous, I can't even look at their profiles on ig without thinking how everyone's lifes are just so great
And I'm still struggling with the same thing
Depression is so stupid bro omg
If anyone read this till the end, go read The Vampire and His Pleasant Companions!!! Byee