i'm so sick of whatevers wrong with me. I have a doctors appointment but it's not till the end of fucking november and i'm just so sick of being sick. now that i'm finding out some of these symptoms if not ALL of these symptoms my be curable I feel desperate. I want to be better so bad. I want to gain weight and be able to walk and talk to people and do things. I feel like such a failure being this way even though i know it's my healths fault it feels like why cant i just do it? Every meal feels like being waterboarded I hate hate HATE HATE HATE food i'm so sick of food and i just wish i could be normal like other people and eat it. I'm sick of all my symptoms looking like i'm just some lazy ass I feel so guilty for everything because I've always thought everything was my fault and even now when I know that if the people upset at me for not doing things and being "lazy" had my symptoms they would be doing the same exact things I do I still feel guilty I can't just get up and get shit done. I want to just do things. No body around me actually understands how bad it is and they keep insisting i'm just laying in bed being stupid because i want to. I don't want to I have so many things I want to do that I physically can't. This shit better be curable and I hope it's fixed fast cause I just want a friend or anything after over a decade of being in bed. I just want to experience like .00001% of the joy I read about.
