i watched a video of someone like sewing or whatever and had no issue with it but noticed the person had a facial feature i have that i hate about myself. i didnt think it looked bad on them at all so i tried looking at the video again from the beginning pretending they were me (something i do with artworks i really like to see what things i wouldve wasted my time trying to 'fix' if it were my own art) but the person in the video became the most disgusting thing in the world when i pretending i was lookingg at myself. Every movement I was critiquing and their face just morphed into some creatures. They didn't look human anymore. I don't know ig i feel kind of better because at least i know now i don't actually move and look as disturbing..ly.(?).. as i think i do; it's just cause it's me that i hate seeing me move around but also it's strange just how dramatically different something looks if it's from/of me in any way versus from/of someone else. ig i really hate myself which like we know duh but it feels so built into everything i do and automatic. I can't figure out where it's from so EMDR has been rough and it feels impossible to fix but i'm so sick of hating myself. it's kinda dumb but i hate myself for hating myself i find it so unpleasant and toxic and i just wish it'd stop. it makes me even worse. it's also such a waste of time but it feels so out of my control. idk i started sewing whenever i hate myself so at least i'll get a jacket out of the hours i spend ruminating. A hate jacket. It's based off the scene from shimanami tasogare where anonymous pushes the old man to see his lover. (i wont spoil why that scenes good enough to sew a jacket for but you should read it). i hope i figure out what started all this self hatred idk if you know what memory started yours feel free to share maybe it'll dig up some memory from this little thought pebble of mine.
Hello. I'm not normally someone that comments but really resonated with your post. While I hate the way I look, I don't have the same body dysmorphia (I assume but could def be wrong) as you. I do hate myself inside and out though. And I can't tell you how many times I've had the exact same thought of "I hate myself for hating myself". I spiral hard but antidepressants actually helped a lot. They did not stop or change my thoughts at all but they stop me from spiraling. When a thought pops into my head now about how much I suck, it just kinda goes in one ear and out the other instead of me ruminating on it for a minimum of 30 min. I've tried journaling sometimes, but if its not really structured or prompted, then it just becomes a little pity party of me hating myself and then explaining that i hate myself for hating myself and that I hate myself for hating myself for hating myself......... so I don't journal much anymore :P. I've done EMDR too and I didn't really notice much at first but I think it is helping overall. Its not helping me "discover" or "uncover" what made me start this little self-loathing journey but it is slowly desensitizing me to some of my stronger negative thoughts. I am so impressed by your hate jacket!!!! I don't think I've done anything that productive while stuck in the cycle and I think that sounds so freaking cool!! ( and I'm definitely going to add Shimanami Tasogare to my reading list!) Don't know if this was helpful at all but honestly, seeing your post was helpful for me so thank you!!
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Hello. I'm not normally someone that comments but really resonated with your post. While I hate the way I look, I don't have the same body dysmorphia (I assume but could def be wrong) as you. I do hate myself inside and out though. And I can't tell you how many times I've had the exact same thought of "I hate myself for hating myself". I spiral hard but antidepressants actually helped a lot. They did not stop or change my thoughts at all but they stop me from spiraling. When a thought pops into my head now about how much I suck, it just kinda goes in one ear and out the other instead of me ruminating on it for a minimum of 30 min. I've tried journaling sometimes, but if its not really structured or prompted, then it just becomes a little pity party of me hating myself and then explaining that i hate myself for hating myself and that I hate myself for hating myself for hating myself......... so I don't journal much anymore :P. I've done EMDR too and I didn't really notice much at first but I think it is helping overall. Its not helping me "discover" or "uncover" what made me start this little self-loathing journey but it is slowly desensitizing me to some of my stronger negative thoughts. I am so impressed by your hate jacket!!!! I don't think I've done anything that productive while stuck in the cycle and I think that sounds so freaking cool!! ( and I'm definitely going to add Shimanami Tasogare to my reading list!) Don't know if this was helpful at all but honestly, seeing your post was helpful for me so thank you!!