tears

I literally cry every time this updates. I relate to this so much... I was exactly like that (except a female version of course) when I was still in high school. Hella afraid anyone would find out. Too scared to even defend LGBT people, because I thought that would make me suspicious. The little comments that make you feel nauseous, like you're going to burst, but you keep it inside you, because you feel like it's the right thing to do.
The small fears when someone talks about a lgbt subject, and you unknowingly start blushing, and when you find out you were acting weird, you become hella nervous. The feeling of being ...trapped in this small place when even your best friends make homophobic remarks, and not even to be actually mean, just out of ignorance, but it hurts so bad. And the loneliness, the feeling that nobody understands you, especially when you go to a secluded private school with close-minded, rich children. (That's not really the case here, but was mine). And when the person you like, look up too, laughs along, or even makes those kind or remarks as well, not even to be hurtful, you just feel so misunderstood, sad, alone, and like you're doing something wrong. And you know there are people out there who are like you, but if there's no one close to you who's like that, it doesn't matter that they exist, you still feel like an alien, and not in a good way. I think it was this manga that had a part like: 'If in a classroom of 30 people there's only one person who says its disgusting, but he gets others to laugh, it's over.' Or something similar, I don't remember. But that's so very true.

I recognize it all too well. And that's why I'm so grateful I'm out and proud now, that my classmates at university are not like those in high school at all, and that my current best friends understand and support me. It's so freeing. I really hope this main character can have such a ... world-broadening (is that a word? XD ) moment too. A moment that makes you feel like all the walls imprisoning you, started to crumble or broke down completely. Can't explain the feeling perfectly, but I feel so much better now than I did back then. The mc is on a good way, since he already has a group of people, around whom he can be himself...

Sorry for this super long and seemingly random post, I just got really emotional after reading this. I love this author for writing this story.