I always saw Tay not being really phased by the murder due to years of conditioning during his time at the military/in combat settings, and Ilay’s murders at the base justified as excessive self defense. Death is more or less accepted and you can’t be weak by letting it get to you. There’s also cognitive dissonance with his personality. He considers himself a “decent guy” by his words and goes out of his way to save those right in front of him, but never acknowledges the bigger picture or the wider scale harm the orgs and ppl (or himself) participate in bc he doesn’t personally see it Tay narrating that humans can adapt to anything, and that he esp is talented at this bc he lets things go too easily to retain peace of mind even when he shouldn’t. This includes fear along with his hate.
I think this also applies to his response to the SA. I think it truly does bother him, but brushes it off as a way to feel control and perserve his mental well-being as a self defense mechanism. By saying he doesn’t care anymore and Ilay can do what he wants/only being irritated, its a false sense of gaining power back bc he’s not letting it bother him. He’s also easily manipulated by the “good” sides to ppl, and attracted to danger. After standing in his brothers shadow, surrounded by distant attatchments his whole life (including loved ones), used to being used, and standing in his brother’s shadow, he’s lonely. He doesn’t feel wanted or seen by anyone. I think this is what makes him attracted to Ilay and xinlu despite knowing they’re psychos. Despite the trauma, it’s the 1st time anyone has ever wanted him so badly in a way everyone wants his brother (including the kidnapping). He’s spent his whole life telling himself he’s adapted, it doesn’t bother him anymore, when really all he’s done is suppressed it. They desire him so badly and he’s so starved for connection that he’ll take it, even if it means being a disposable possession
My bad w/ the grammar issues i forgot to edit my reply
the bar is low to be impressed, but I like that there’s actual attention given to the plot. I’m not at all impressed by the relationship itself, it seems absurd that Taeui is at most irritated that he is being sexually assaulted on the regular. It feels like it’s passed off as comedic relief at times. I liked the moment in which he was sincerely angry and slapped Ilay, but ever since then, his anger is often (not always) passed off. It looks like this story passes off a lot of serious things, such as murder, lmao. I’m supposed to swallow that Ilay kills people often with essentially no consequence or remorse, and Taeui apparently doesn’t care much, apart from remarking that he’s psycho. This story is oversaturated with cannon fodder, so much so that a reader becomes desensitized to death. How on earth are we supposed to take murder seriously, in that regard? That being said, I enjoyed it anyway, despite the character philosophies being a bit ridiculous, because anyone in Taeui’s position has more than enough cause to hate Ilay. His resistance is halfhearted, which sucks. It’s good in terms of production (I like how Jaeui haunts the narrative), but the characters themselves are honestly impossible to believe. Ilay feels more like a caricature than a person. Idk I just hope Taeui beats the shit out of him at some point lol