DUDE WDYM
THIS IS LIKE A THESIS OF ADORATION
ITS RELIGIOUS TRAUMA, THAT SHIT TAKES SO LONG TO FIGURE OUT. THERES A REASON CATHOLIC GAYS TAKE YEAAAAARS TO COME OUT EVEN TO THEMSELVES.
it’s sooo fucking good. A girl with nothing gives her entire self to someone who gave himself to god and realizes he has nothing left for her. It’s such a beautiful catastrophe.
I’m going to go deeeeeep so bear with me.
mL has heavy trauma to make him the perfect tool of god, he’s literally wielding gods second sword.
His duty to god is SO Strong that he HAS to keep going this “I’d do anything for God” route or the COUNTLESS SACRIFICES (ppl and all the shit he suffered in life included) would have been for NOTHING. He’s so fucking numb because it’s all he can do to keep pushing forward.
Not anyone can have this kind of blind adoration because it’s sooo fucking hard to maintain only a specific mind can handle it, bUT we get to see other people break before him.
In the village left to die by the sewer ambush, the woman who comforted FL, for a second that woman considers abandoning the her house and the village she adores due to the advice of this strange girl. She sees her daughter in her but that love for her daughter’s memory is not enough when the people she loves assure her the city she loves will be fine. Because they all believe the city is safer than outside it. This woman doesn’t break all the way, but she lets the girl leave because she’s willing to allow herself to go against her convictions(safe inside and outside) by trusting that she’ll be safe.
A knight who went through hell to become the only other commoner to wear “white robes” and earn an honorable position, goes against the highest order because it is not right. Does he say he did it because it wasn’t right? NO DUDE HE COWERS BEHIND A STUPID COMAND HE WAS GIVEN WEEKS AGO. Even that fucker says he only did it because he was following orders. Because it’s haaaaard to discard even a piece of your beliefs even if it doesn’t feel right.
FL finally FINALLY has someone who says they need her in a way no one ever has, and it feels good. And he kisses her. He holds her when not even her father would touch her. He hits all her insecurities with reassurance that he will never leave so long as he needs her. So she makes herself useful, she endures dehydration and whippings. She does it all for him, all so he will come back to her- until she starts doing it for others, and eventually herself.
She couldn’t have stated it more clearly when she said she had nothing before him and now she knows she can have more than she once thought. She has friends worth fighting for, she has people she hopes will survive and strangers who have shown her kindness she was told as a child she never deserved.
What’s fucked up is, even after discovering she can fend for herself, it isn’t until she sees his helmet on the wall that she finally realizes she can’t have him, because he was never available in the first place. He had already given himself up a long time ago, to god, (she thinks he’s the princess’ play thing too but assumes he has his reasons).
That last moment where she gave him the handkerchief, the author forced us to notice she recognized his expression of love. His adoration was not directed at her, so she finally gives in.
Once that realization that he won’t love her back seeps in, she has suddenly lost all meaning to her hardships. She was whipped. She was sold off. She was starved. She was forced to follow orders without knowing why and endure unimaginable hunger induced by demonic desire to procreate through the consumption of the innocent around her- she survived all that because maybe some day, HE would finally look at her with an expression she’d seen people show each other when they were supposedly happiest, and he directs that fuuuucking expression at a fancy napkin her most recent abuser commanded her to give him. Which BY THE WAY, her abuser told her ML knew she would die if the everything goes to plan. Meaning she was nothing more than a means to an end. A horse he cared for to get him to his destination.
She shifts gears. The evil still exists but she’s no longer doing it in exchange for his adoration, she does it for the good of everyone(he included because he is someone she unfortunately still loves) and herself.
She survives sacrificing herself and the man she still wishes for never shows up. So she’s done. She tells him the truth, I loved you but you don’t call my name. Then a secondary truth, I hate you. Because you CAN hate someone you love. She didn’t flip a switch. She made a choice to cut off a painful relationship and will now have to endure the withdrawals from what used to be her only source of hope.
ML compares himself to god, bro. He’s a pos fr fr. Daddy issues up the wazzooo. When he loves something he said he cuts the feeling or RUINS IT SO HE CANT LOVE IT BECAUSE EVERYTHING HE LOVES DIES. But he doesn’t need to do that with FL cuz she’s a sacrificial lamb. He just needs to keep alive long enough to get to the ultimate Evil, the thing that God needs him to get rid of.
Did god directly tell him he needed to get rid of it? No. But everything has led up to this order. ML needs to have this adoration for god because as a CHILD his father made it so that the only thing worth loving was God’s Will. The only unbroken thing. The only thing that will never change. His compass is pointing straight to god. His adoration is so strong he went against orders and broke his oath, his men have died and he is filled with guilt he ignored because Hey, it’s Gods Will.
He’s on APHRODISIACS, a drug that makes your lust so fucking bad people can go crazy from desire and CAN HURT PEOPLE JUST TO SAITE IT, and whaaaaat does he do. HE HALLUCINATES HIS FUCKING DEAD COMRADES. He literally can’t get horny without feeling guilty about the people who died because of him.
She is the literal spawn of Evil, if things went wrong she’d be one of the monsters that stole the lives of everyone, if he loved her, if he WANTED her then he’d have to face the reality that he wouldn’t be able to kill her when the time comes. The worst thing a Mind at War could do is hesitate. To kiss her, to love her, to admit he wants all this and more is to admit there may be something shaking his adoration for the Will of God, which is blasphemy.
He went against orders for God’s Will. He’s thought she’d be a willing sacrifice for him, that shed be fine with dying for him. That he’d be fine with her dying for him, but he’s not.
He has so much to process and such little emotional intelligence to do so it’s overwhelming. The only feeling he was allowed to explore was anger as a tool for battle, and passion as a tool for adoration of God’s Will.
He doesn’t understand jealousy for FL because he’s only seen possessive behavior in immature individuals. He thinks of his jealousy not as “oh I love her” but as “she angers me because she’s choosing someone else when I’m right here”, then that probably turns to guilt because “I don’t want her so why the fuck does it matter if she doesn’t want me”. Which goes to anger for feeling guilty.
He’s a Human Weapon discovering love for the first time, and it’s not an easy change.
He could go against his oath because God’s Will ruled over that.
But to claim that the butterflies in his stomach are on Par with the Will of God- that’s not something that’s digestible to even the most emotionally strong minds.
To put it simply, he sucks but the real war is in his head. What will win?
Adoration of God or the Adoration of a girl
*SAFE INSIDE BAD OUTSIDE. AuGH these errors
Forgot to mention that even though ML wants her by his side, he Cowers behind the reason of “I’m doing this for God”. Dude lit tells the clergy “Don’t you think her making it here is God’s way of stopping the attack” or something close to that.
LIKE HE STRONG BELIEVES HES ONLY KEEPING HER, KISSING HER, REASSURING HER, COMFORTING HER, HUGGING HER BECAUSE HES DOING IT SO SHELL STAY AROUND LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO DEFEAT EVIL FOR GOD.
Like yea no dude. God totally wants you to kiss this girl. It’s God’s Will.
HES sO STuPIdLy incompetent with his emotions.
But that’s how men are raised, fuck if that’s how people are raised. You’re supposed to have a reason to back up your actions/words.
Logic must prevail over Emotions, because it’s way easier to explain logic than “idk it made me feel weird.”
Author even tells us something like- people need something to believe in and revolve their lives around it.- when talking about the knights at the clergy blindly following orders.
ML is totally aware of how meaningless it all is, he gave up everything but Will O God.
Yea.. it’s going to take him a while.
wow you chewed me up and spit me out
You did a really good analysis on this, like really, it opened my eyes
but I still think its exhausting to read this cicle. I guess since is "realistic" it makes me feel like it's not as enjoyable. like, I know people like that and its seriously draining to have to deal with them.
anyways you peaked my interest on this once again, I really hope it doesn't let me down.
I'M TRUSTING YOU （/TДT)/
oops I was supposed to tag you but anyways
I MEAN you’re not wrong tho! That struggle is rough to justify in people you don’t necessarily need in your life.
but It’s really interesting to watch it in this format.
It’s a story driven choice that I personally love, but that’s just cuz I’m a fan of visual storytelling telling.
You don’t have to read it lol
I just got passionate from having finished it and left on a cliffhanger
Had this in my reading list for the longest time bc I thought no way, monster fl that’s so cool?! She’s def gonna be a bad bitch. But from your essay I’ve realized this is gonna be some bs. I can’t love a fl that can’t love herself (for whatever reason idc) lmao it’s coming off my to read list
when I first started reading I thought "omg this is so good, why is the rating so low?" then I got to chapter 20 and thought "wow seems like its going to end soon" but here we are, the fl is just in this cicle of being abused and the ml in the "I'm broken" narrative this WHOLE TIME. I get that people react differently with trauma but damn can't we have a breather? I get its a dark romance and all but damn it gets tiring when EVERY chapter its just them " I love you" and him responding "I hate you, I'm only using you, I wish you were dead but at the same time I will do anything for you but not really". ALSO *SPOILER* out of NOWHERE she says she hates him now? even though like 2 chapters ago she said she loved him???? I feel like the author didn't want her to be seen as the dumb female character so they made her "como to her senses even though she faced everything for his affection because she is a strong fl" but it just seems really rushed and forced. (it might just be the mc pretending to not love him anymore but nonetheless is just weird)
The plot idea is so good, but its all over the place. It might get better but now i get why the rating is kinda low.