FUCKKK the crisis he starts having when he realizes that his priorities have shifted...the way that the thoughts of "for the sake of the mission" and "my own safety" start to get diluted by "my family" and "the safety of my family" (key emphasis on "MY" not just "THE"), especially given the fact that he hasn't truly had a "family" since he was a child before the war...he's realizing, even if he can't name it, that if worse came to worst he would sacrifice himself for them, even if it meant surrendering himself to the "foolish possible end" that would expose himself and the organization. ALSO his thoughts of angst and doom being cut through by Anya yelling out to him, calling him papa, is fucking killing me
also idk if this was on purpose but i noticed that the phrases seemed to connect at one point into "sacrifice my family for the sake of my mission"....it signals a subliminal change in his mindset where, as both his family and his mission (signaled by both subjects being given the possessive "my") become equal in importance to him (and maybe as his family might become MORE important than the mission to him...whether that's already happened or will in the future depending on ur pov) they become adversarial in that completing the mission means taking advantage of and abandoning his family in the end (as he returns to the life of a spy and possibly subjects his family to danger given their intimacy with him), and that prioritizing the safety of his family means abandoning his mission, especially as his role as a spy currently puts his family in more danger...
FUCKKK the crisis he starts having when he realizes that his priorities have shifted...the way that the thoughts of "for the sake of the mission" and "my own safety" start to get diluted by "my family" and "the safety of my family" (key emphasis on "MY" not just "THE"), especially given the fact that he hasn't truly had a "family" since he was a child before the war...he's realizing, even if he can't name it, that if worse came to worst he would sacrifice himself for them, even if it meant surrendering himself to the "foolish possible end" that would expose himself and the organization. ALSO his thoughts of angst and doom being cut through by Anya yelling out to him, calling him papa, is fucking killing me
also idk if this was on purpose but i noticed that the phrases seemed to connect at one point into "sacrifice my family for the sake of my mission"....it signals a subliminal change in his mindset where, as both his family and his mission (signaled by both subjects being given the possessive "my") become equal in importance to him (and maybe as his family might become MORE important than the mission to him...whether that's already happened or will in the future depending on ur pov) they become adversarial in that completing the mission means taking advantage of and abandoning his family in the end (as he returns to the life of a spy and possibly subjects his family to danger given their intimacy with him), and that prioritizing the safety of his family means abandoning his mission, especially as his role as a spy currently puts his family in more danger...
PLEASEEEE KEEP THINKING LOID