pls wish me luck, maybe give advice (no religious mentions pls tho, thanks)

i've got a painting assessment due today, there is 3 hours until morning, and I have atleast 7 unfinished paintings. this is a really really important assessment btw, ii cannot fail this. ii think that all this is part of something going undiagnosed in me, because ii treat all my assessments like this even though i'm an overachiever. ii either overachieve or underachieve, no inbetween, and ii never finish anything to my standard no matter how "good" it looks to anyone else. can someone wish me luck today?? cause i'm also feeling like i'm gonna cry a lot this week.

mini rant, sorry,

but ii cant ever feel good about myself lately because i've been given a lot of labels. i'm a girl, south asian, relatively short, a lesbian, i've got extreme hearing sensitivity, extreme sensitivity to everything, i hate being around people for too long even if i'm around someone ii like being around, ii have dangerously extreme iron defiency, i'm the first daughter, first granddaughter, first great-grandaughter, and ii just discovered the possibility of me being neurodivergent which ii now know ii am, ii just don't know what. and my family has done a lot for me, they really have, but they're just so not understanding. my extended family is all really close, and there's so many kids, my cousins, and all of them have a huge age gap with me because my mum herself has like a 12 year age gap on average with her cousins. but again, everyone is so not understanding, and especially inconsiderate. recently, we've had to meet up a lot, because my great-grandmother passed away. ii can't handle loud noises and crowded spaces too well, especially with screaming kids and people flocking in and out the kitchen or standing in places you're meant to walk through, blocking space. the home we always meet at is kinda small, meaning everyone is normally in the same crammed space. ii was really struggling today cause ii couldn't find my special noise blocking ear-plugs today, and so ii had to sit down and plug both my ears with my thumbs from how loud it was. my grandma kept ushering me to her over and over, and this was the 3rd time she had called me over for something tonight, and when ii went to her, she was like "why don't you just turn up the dial on your ear pieces??" ii wear noise filtering ear-plugs daily, and they work differently from my traditional noise blocking earplugs because i can hear all sound clearly, and its the the amount of discomfort/pain ii experience that is filtered. but there's no dials, it really is just a piece of silicone in my ear. my grandma, on the other hand, has extensive hearing aids. she didn't know that my ear-plugs don't work like hers. but ii broke down in the middle of the room. ii started crying a lot out of whatever weird stress ii was feeling because my grandma just had to push my buttons when ii was working so hard on containing myself and staying calm. ii hate it with my everything when people ask someone if they're ok repeatedly, thinking they're helping so much, when they don't know how to help moving forward. why act like you wanna help when you don't actually care? you're just bored, and i'm the next best thing to save you from it. ii ran downstairs into the car park to get away from the noise, only for her to follow me and keep pestering me. ii don't care how worried she was, because she didn't ever listen to me telling her to leave me alone over and over. in the end my parents told her to leave and ii tried cooling down alone in the dark (it was nighttime). but even after ii kinda calmed down and came back upstairs, it wasn't any quieter and everyone in the house saw me run out crying. everyone knew ii had just been crying. they all were acting really careful and staring at me weird. but whats the point jn acting like you're sorry if you're just going to continue doing the shit that was paining me in the first place? it was still so loud, even though everyone in the house knows ii have hearing sensitivity and saw me run out of the house in pain. so even after calming down ii kept feeling my tears well up again and again from everything being too much. and it fucking sucks when people ask "why were you crying??" why do they ask that?? do you think ii wanna talk about that?? sometimes ii physically feel like it mouth is shut with a lock and ii have to force the wrong key in just to reply to them so that ii seem polite. ii didn't want to talk. ii felt physically uncomfortable having to speak. and having to explain myself feels like i'm saying sorry for it. ii want everyone else to say sorry though, but they don't care enough to think that way.

earlier this morning too, my uncle, who is really close w my parents and thinks we're close, kept asking why my mum doesnt know the password to my phone. i'm not that far from legally being an adult though, and my privacy is a big deal to me. he kept spewing about how ii need to be fully open with my parents and letting them know everything that goes through my head. but what the fuck would he understand?? i'm a lesbian in an extremely homophobic family. ii literally have panic attacks imagining my parents finding out. dad is physically and mentally abusive. i've had to run out of the house just so he doesn't snap my arm. my mum's been living with this abuser and telling us he'll get better and we just need to give him time. she sometimes even reasons with him because i'm "unreasonable" or "pushing their buttons". but ii don't think there's any reason for wanting to scalp your daughter. so really, what would my uncle know? i can't ever come out to my family. they're so disgustingly traditional in some ways that it makes me cry on the spot. ii can't wear certain stuff cause ii have tits, or thicker thighs, or a generally large fat deposit around my hips and bust. ii have to dress a certain way, they hate it when ii do my makeup, or have opinions even. this family hates it when a girl has an opinion. ii once was wearing my bra while ironing the shirt ii was gonna wear, and my dad said ii had to wear a shirt while doing that. but he walks around shirtless without a care. ii was still wearing a fucking bra atleast. what's the logic behind wearing a shirt while ironing the other shirt that you're gonna wear after, but then having to take off the shirt from before and put on the new one. in my head it seems stupid. but again, it's this modesty nonsense.

and yea, my mum is getting better over time, cause she's also aware that i'm definitely an undiagnosed neurodivergent girl. she's becoming more considerate, so ii really appreciate that. she's still extremely homophobic though.

i just really wish ii had more genuine people in my life and that ii could do more. ii feel like ii can't do anything right now.

and ii really am hoping ii don't cry at school this week, but ii probably will have something happen. everything is triggering me atm.

thanks for reading this far if you have.