All around, I've always liked the concept of this story. One fully transgressed, the other not quite so. Would they---could they do things differently to create a happy outcome? After the past four years (some spent translating this for you all), I went through quite the upheaval. My 11-year relationship came to an end. Thw surgeries I had caused disconnect and stagnation in my life. Depression overwhelmed me and I was left bereft with the neglect of my fiance. It drove me, much like Aeroc, to try and kill myself 2 years ago. Because I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I didn't love him anymore. He was my reason to get out of bed, to try each day. And he treated me like a blow-up doll to relieve himself, even when I said no, he would deny me even the barest of affections, like hugs. I died on the inside. And after being 51/50'd, I tried so hard to love him again for another full year. Until I just couldn't. Until I was methyl enough to get a job again, to not be isolated. And then someone came along and treated me like I was human, like I mattered. But still I tried with my ex. 11 years is hard to give up. But when the "yearly anniversary" as he called it or my attempt came around, he forced himself in me (2025 August ,to the day of my attempt) and I just couldn't anymore. I kicked him out and found myself a place. We'd been broken up since may of 2025 and in December I started dating someone else. His bare minimum is what my ex considered spoiling. The way he looks at me makes me want to cry because he loves me the way I loved my ex. Unconditionally, with adoration, with gratitude. I found my closure with my ex, I did. But I know had I the choice to do it all again, I would choose him. Part of me wonders, wishes that we could turn back time a fix it. That I could wake up one day and not be scared of him anymore, that I was okay with being touched. But that's not how we work, is it? And everyone says I'm better off without him. Maybe I am. But it doesn't mean I don't miss him everyday. It doesn't mean I haven't forgiven him his transgressions. He is a good person who did bad things because he can't regulate his emotions. It doesn't excuse it. It doesn't make it better. But I understand why and what his reasons were. Like Clough/Kloff. He was so overwhelmed in the moment he literally couldn't think straight or hear me, and so he hurt me. And now we suffer the consequences of that. Long lasting and damaging. And as much as I love my new beau, as much as I hope I can give him all of me as I did my ex, I know I cannot. And I war with myself. If I could go back, would I try and fix it, or would I try and find my current love and go from there? Did I need to go through my ex to become what I needed to be for my new beau? I don't know. I really don't. But I wonder, if I went back far enough, if I could fix it. Could I stop him from changing into someone I no longer recognized? Could I have been strong enough, brave enough to voice my fears and emotions? Or was it inevitable that we ended like this? I don't know, and that haunts me every night.
All around, I've always liked the concept of this story. One fully transgressed, the other not quite so. Would they---could they do things differently to create a happy outcome?
After the past four years (some spent translating this for you all), I went through quite the upheaval. My 11-year relationship came to an end. Thw surgeries I had caused disconnect and stagnation in my life. Depression overwhelmed me and I was left bereft with the neglect of my fiance. It drove me, much like Aeroc, to try and kill myself 2 years ago. Because I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I didn't love him anymore. He was my reason to get out of bed, to try each day. And he treated me like a blow-up doll to relieve himself, even when I said no, he would deny me even the barest of affections, like hugs. I died on the inside. And after being 51/50'd, I tried so hard to love him again for another full year. Until I just couldn't. Until I was methyl enough to get a job again, to not be isolated. And then someone came along and treated me like I was human, like I mattered. But still I tried with my ex. 11 years is hard to give up. But when the "yearly anniversary" as he called it or my attempt came around, he forced himself in me (2025 August ,to the day of my attempt) and I just couldn't anymore. I kicked him out and found myself a place. We'd been broken up since may of 2025 and in December I started dating someone else. His bare minimum is what my ex considered spoiling. The way he looks at me makes me want to cry because he loves me the way I loved my ex. Unconditionally, with adoration, with gratitude. I found my closure with my ex, I did. But I know had I the choice to do it all again, I would choose him. Part of me wonders, wishes that we could turn back time a fix it. That I could wake up one day and not be scared of him anymore, that I was okay with being touched. But that's not how we work, is it? And everyone says I'm better off without him. Maybe I am. But it doesn't mean I don't miss him everyday. It doesn't mean I haven't forgiven him his transgressions. He is a good person who did bad things because he can't regulate his emotions. It doesn't excuse it. It doesn't make it better. But I understand why and what his reasons were. Like Clough/Kloff. He was so overwhelmed in the moment he literally couldn't think straight or hear me, and so he hurt me. And now we suffer the consequences of that. Long lasting and damaging. And as much as I love my new beau, as much as I hope I can give him all of me as I did my ex, I know I cannot. And I war with myself. If I could go back, would I try and fix it, or would I try and find my current love and go from there? Did I need to go through my ex to become what I needed to be for my new beau? I don't know. I really don't. But I wonder, if I went back far enough, if I could fix it. Could I stop him from changing into someone I no longer recognized? Could I have been strong enough, brave enough to voice my fears and emotions? Or was it inevitable that we ended like this? I don't know, and that haunts me every night.