Heejae's incapablity to apologize seems to me like an inability to accept the vulnerability and loss of control that would come with the genuine accountability garam seeks from him. He has such a strong sense of authority and certainty that admitting yo being wrong threatens the image he built around himself as someone who knows what he's doing and is certain about it. He can argue that his intentions were ultimately beneficial all he wants, but it's different from actually acknowledging that he had no right to hurt someone, and he knows it deep down but is so scared of committing to it. In his mind, suffering is something “necessary” for a greater outcome, that has allowed him to turn any wanted, or rather needed apologies into a justification that protects him and the image he painted of himself.
especially with garam, apologizing would mean giving up control for a moment and accepting that Garam has every right to be angry with him. He may genuinely want forgiveness from garam, but he's not working for it the way he needs to, he's forcing Garam to go his way, the way where he keeps his image polished while `satisfying` Garam, but for their relationship to continue, he'd need to bury himself in dirt and accept that their love isn't about catering to him, but to understand each other and be in vulnerable position in front of one another, and I think heejae is slowly realising that (if he hasn't already but denies it) and he's not ready to accept it yet.
Heejae's incapablity to apologize seems to me like an inability to accept the vulnerability and loss of control that would come with the genuine accountability garam seeks from him. He has such a strong sense of authority and certainty that admitting yo being wrong threatens the image he built around himself as someone who knows what he's doing and is certain about it. He can argue that his intentions were ultimately beneficial all he wants, but it's different from actually acknowledging that he had no right to hurt someone, and he knows it deep down but is so scared of committing to it. In his mind, suffering is something “necessary” for a greater outcome, that has allowed him to turn any wanted, or rather needed apologies into a justification that protects him and the image he painted of himself.
especially with garam, apologizing would mean giving up control for a moment and accepting that Garam has every right to be angry with him. He may genuinely want forgiveness from garam, but he's not working for it the way he needs to, he's forcing Garam to go his way, the way where he keeps his image polished while `satisfying` Garam, but for their relationship to continue, he'd need to bury himself in dirt and accept that their love isn't about catering to him, but to understand each other and be in vulnerable position in front of one another, and I think heejae is slowly realising that (if he hasn't already but denies it) and he's not ready to accept it yet.