mc doesnt actually want to be beaten(not in that way at least) he feels guilt for what he ...

mc doesnt actually want to be beaten(not in that way at least) he feels guilt for what he did and the only way to get rid of that guilt it is to look for punishment/consequences so he can feel like hes paid hes dues

but ML wont give him any of what he believes he deserves so mc is kinda stuck in this limbo of guilt he cant shake off