whether i am ambivalent to rewards and i love my art enough to pursue it endlessly and to my own satisfactions, or i am pragmatic and lack any internal metrics of self-fulfillment, i seem to lose. then i am unwise, for tossing aside the world, for myself to rot in “what I like”, i am a spoilt child, or i look in the mirror and loathe that i am working so hard for something i could lose tomorrow and simply move on from.
i long for the world i experienced when i did not know of “the world” yet, before it had a chance to both taint me and make me beautiful. i long for something that i have either lost and cannot locate, or what i desperately wish to “return” to does not exist out there.
i had to give myself a moment reading through kirino’s backstory and his struggles because it landed so close to home.. feeling like i am better for possessing a “virtuous desire for the practice [piano] itself”, rather than as a means, or that i am lacking because it is nothing more than a means to an end, it hurts a lot, especially when time has changed me, or i receive praise and reward for my efforts;
it makes me think “just what did I work that hard for? is this really it?” or that passion is insufficient or even humiliating, because I’m not able to reach such heights to match my love for an art form. then am i the fool, who won’t set aside my preferences, to become more impressive, more lauded? so i feel like i saw myself in kirino’s characterization quite a lot. thank you translators and thank you for creating this manga.