I was just at a doctors appointment with my girlfriend and she usually doesn't come because she has work but she took time off to come. She said not to worry about hiring an interpreter and that she'll do it, I didn't ask her to because I feel like it isn't exactly her responsibility but i just went with it. Now this is a new doctor, my normal one has left for somewhere else but she managed to get someone to take over me pretty quick, so I was like that's fine. Talking to the doctor she seemed a little off put by me if that makes? We were going through my medical records + notes that were left by the doctor. When my girlfriend mentioned that I had been to hospital multiple times during the last 2 years due to mental instability and several attempts on my life that's when she got really weird about it. It felt like she was shaming me in a way? But her stares and the constant judgemental looks got even more noticeable the second I mentioned I had been diagnosed bipolar type 1 and also BPD. I know more extreme mental disorders are often looked down upon, but I didn't expect that from a fucking doctor. After the appointment she pulled my girlfriend to the side and asked her if she was safe. Now that fucking hurts. I know I have put both my daughter and my own partner through a lot of shit 2 years ago, but I regret every fucking second of it. I wasn't officially diagnosed with anything despite previous hospital visits due to many attempted suicides. I'm not proud of what I did during one of my really bad manic episodes that lasted a week (a lot of my manic episodes last at least a week if not longer) and to be honest I barely remember what happens during them, all I know is that after it I was in hospital. My girlfriend despite that stayed with me and tried to help me get better. I stayed in the hospital for a year, of course she visited me with our daughter. 2024 was one of my worst years and I was surprised I managed to go this long undiagnosed. My girlfriend pushed for doctors to actually look at me, not to just shove me in a ward and hope I get better. I regret everything I put her through those years and what's even worse is that my daughter didn't understand what was happening to her daddy and it makes so fucking upset. As a doctor, I would expect them to look at this medically, not from a biased point of view. I'm not sure if I want to keep seeing this doctor, I feel bad enough for what happened and I know my mental health conditions suck, but unfortunately no matter what I do it won't go away. I'm stable now, but things could happen at any moment and it fucking scares me. I hate being mentally ill, but I hate being viewed as an abuser for it. I don't know, I just needed to rant about it. I will deletethis later but for now I'll finally catch up on black butler, I let it marinate long enough. My girlfriends gone to the shops so hopefully she'll be home soon.
I was just at a doctors appointment with my girlfriend and she usually doesn't come because she has work but she took time off to come. She said not to worry about hiring an interpreter and that she'll do it, I didn't ask her to because I feel like it isn't exactly her responsibility but i just went with it. Now this is a new doctor, my normal one has left for somewhere else but she managed to get someone to take over me pretty quick, so I was like that's fine. Talking to the doctor she seemed a little off put by me if that makes? We were going through my medical records + notes that were left by the doctor. When my girlfriend mentioned that I had been to hospital multiple times during the last 2 years due to mental instability and several attempts on my life that's when she got really weird about it. It felt like she was shaming me in a way? But her stares and the constant judgemental looks got even more noticeable the second I mentioned I had been diagnosed bipolar type 1 and also BPD. I know more extreme mental disorders are often looked down upon, but I didn't expect that from a fucking doctor. After the appointment she pulled my girlfriend to the side and asked her if she was safe. Now that fucking hurts. I know I have put both my daughter and my own partner through a lot of shit 2 years ago, but I regret every fucking second of it. I wasn't officially diagnosed with anything despite previous hospital visits due to many attempted suicides. I'm not proud of what I did during one of my really bad manic episodes that lasted a week (a lot of my manic episodes last at least a week if not longer) and to be honest I barely remember what happens during them, all I know is that after it I was in hospital. My girlfriend despite that stayed with me and tried to help me get better. I stayed in the hospital for a year, of course she visited me with our daughter. 2024 was one of my worst years and I was surprised I managed to go this long undiagnosed. My girlfriend pushed for doctors to actually look at me, not to just shove me in a ward and hope I get better. I regret everything I put her through those years and what's even worse is that my daughter didn't understand what was happening to her daddy and it makes so fucking upset. As a doctor, I would expect them to look at this medically, not from a biased point of view. I'm not sure if I want to keep seeing this doctor, I feel bad enough for what happened and I know my mental health conditions suck, but unfortunately no matter what I do it won't go away. I'm stable now, but things could happen at any moment and it fucking scares me. I hate being mentally ill, but I hate being viewed as an abuser for it. I don't know, I just needed to rant about it. I will deletethis later but for now I'll finally catch up on black butler, I let it marinate long enough. My girlfriends gone to the shops so hopefully she'll be home soon.