reignacorn's Things

this isnt related to manga but for a long time now i wanted to not be alive.

its kind of a different feeling than when i just wanted to die which isnt something ive been feeling often recently, i just dont want to be doing things that make me human like breathing now feels weird in a bad way and i dont want to move like when youre sick with the flu-feeling sluggish and cold.

i've talked to people for my other issues but i found that it only helps in the beginning and then i feel like im not meant to be there and that im just taking up space for someone who needs it more than me idek and then at times i feel like like im in slow motion and everyone else is normal speed but then it'll switch and i'd be going twice as fast and when im doing things like reading or listening i can't process anything so i just don't want to do it anymore.

moving schools has made it a lot worst but i knew it would so im only torturing myself at this point and its approaching winter and i get "winter blues" which makes me unproductive anyway but i also developed a phobia of snow last year which is so stupid but it scares the life out of me.

i have tried to take my life before a few times (mainly overdosing and such because of periods of anxiety and OCD) but i still feel sort of empty(?) like i dont have something in life that is meant to make me normal and want to do human things.

so does anyone feel like this and/or have any advice :)