Pizzadevourer's Things

OK so I asked my guy friend to put me on and he actually did, he told his friend to follow and text me and we actually talked a lot we clicked instantly he's so adorable he's like the male version of me and I think he's actually my soul mate. We've been sending eachother reels daily ever since and we just comment on the reels and sometimes talk about other things but that's it, it's all silly talk and reels and that friendly shit
I like him, and apparently he likes me too since everyone sees it, I've never met him cause we're in different unis but we are gonna see each other in a few days along with my other friends and like a big group. Mind you we've been talking for a month now
Let me tell you my real problem, I don't see myself dating, I don't know what it is about dating or being emotionally intimate with someone but it just icks me and makes me feel weird like I'd be talking to him and then he'd send a Pic and I'm reminded that he's real and then I panic
I don't want him to like me enough to want to date me
I like what we have now but I know it's selfish to ask to stay like this I know he might want to date me in the future but I just know my mind won't change
And the problem is that I really really like him but I don't like the idea of involving someone in my life that deeply
I know I'm the shitty one here and I feel super bad cause he's literally such a green flag and he's the perfect match for me but I feel so torn cause I don't want it to feel like I'm leading him on somehow please tell me what to do
Id want for us to stay how we are but it's selfish to, ask

I know this is probably not the right place for this but I have no one to talk to and nowhere to go
I self harmed again after four years of being clean and I’m just really scared
Nothing in my life is going right everything I do seems to go wrong nothing working out for me
My family hates me
I hate myself
My friends probably hate me
I’m becoming like my sister which is not a good thing
She’s a liar and a cheater and a thief she lied to my parents their whole life so it’s not basically an insult whenever my parents tell me I’m exactly like her
I see her in every little move I make and it’s affecting my life
I failed a course in uni and I haven’t told my parents which is exactly what she used to do
It’s still my first year of uni and I’m already creating many problems for them
More than she did
I seriously am becoming the worst version of myself and I’m so scared I don’t wanna live anymore
I’m done disappointing people
I hate lying yet I find myself lying at the smallest things just like she does
My sisters pointed it out
They’re saying they can’t trust what I say anymore
I’ve always hated lying
I don’t know how everything I’m doing I can’t control
I don’t wanna become like her
I don’t my parents to hate me
I don’t want them to see her in me
I’m so fucking scared
I’m becoming her
Every time I try to change it Circles back
It never works out
I don’t wanna do this anymore

I personally saw my sister reading pay gorn on it and I was like yes I need this website

(super long so get your popcorn ready)
ok so back when my parents first got married my dad was really rich, he was a well know scientist and he worked in like a high position, when they gave birth to my oldest sister they provided her with everything they can, she was basically like those rich spoiled kids, she was also like a trouble maker so she would get my parents in trouble all the time and embarrass them all the time she even once reported them to the police for abuse only because they didnt buy her a toy she wanted, im not even joking. when she graduated we were still living in the us but she wanted to go to uni in a different country so my parents let her, they even bought her an apartment(not a studio) so she wouldnt have to live in a dorm, my dad used to transfer thousands of dollars to her bank account so she could live comfortably, we're a family of 8 including my parents and the age gap between us is big so we were still little kids when she was already in uni. fast forward my dad quit his job but it was fine since he had saved up enough money for everything. at some point things started to go missing in our house like big amounts of money and gold but my parents didnt know what to do about it, my sister played with their head that it could be my brother and they had a fallout but made up after we found out it wasnt my brother. my sister got engaged to a doctor but we found her texting another man during the engagement party that she doesnt wanna be here and that she'd rather be with him instead, my parents were close friends with her fiance's parents so they didnt know what to do since the party had already started and her fiance was already waiting for her, so my parents warned her not to text him again.one day my sister called her fiance's parents and basically started lying and disrespecting them and told them that my parents talk shit about them (basically lied to them in the name of my parents), her fiance's parents called my parents and fought with them and ended up calling the engagement off , it was pretty serious so my parents ended up confiscating my sisters phone and when they went through it they found out that she had been lying about going to uni and that she hadnt even registered for this semester even though my dad had already paid, somehow she managed to pull out the money and she took it for herself, she was already behind two years since she had failed a ton of materials, so for a whole year she took transportation fees to and from uni and pretended to go so that my parents dont suspect a thing . we also found out (long long story so ill spare the details) that she had been the one stealing money and gold from our house, it wasnt even funny cause there were a lot of situations where she literally blamed her own friends of theft just so she can get out of it. when my parents asked her where the money was she said that her friends stole it but later on she confessed to actually spending it all just because she wanted to show off that she was rich and that she can buy expensive stuff to her friends, she had sold a ton of mom's custom made jewelry all of which were gold so my mom was pretty pissed. my parents couldnt even do anything about it cause she had (pretended) to kill herself , she once emptied out 20 whole squares (dk what theyre called) of medicine to fake overdosing, and she also pretended to drink bleach. anyways, later on she got engaged to the guy she was texting during her engagement party but after a year we found out that he had been cheating on her and that he was an alcoholic drug addict, and that he had been lying about loving her, he only married her so that he can get the american passport and be able to live there.like i said my dad quit his job but right now hes thinking of working again because i go to uni next year and theres also my younger brother, and my dad cant pay for our tuition anymore. it sucks cause shes still living with us even though shes already 28 and she works at a company, she still plays the victim and acts as if she has daddy issues and acts as if my parents abuse and degrade her in front of people. god i hate that bitch

i need serious advice i have super important exams coming up but i havent been studying at all because ive been glued to this website like i binge read 3+ mangas every day and i really wanna decrease my visits to this website it doesnt help that people keep recommending good stuff like im a curious person ok im gonna read smth if you recommend it
anyways i just need advice on how to study more and read less manga cause i swear i be on here 24/7