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I just want to share this feeling somewhere, since I can't tell it my parents or anyone for that matter. I wanted to share it with you guys. Since no one knows me, it's perfect to tell this to you guys.
Lately I have this profound feeling of wanting to die, just to have my existence quietly erased.
Funny thing is that, I value life too. Just not mine. These thoughts weight me, this feeling of uselessness, of being a burden imy parents.
I have done everything, completed education, done exams and passed them on first try, got registrations. But I have been trying to get a job since 2 years, yes I can work locally, but I have worked hard, given exams and got registered in another country. But landing a job, damn... It's has been hard.
Others with little to nothing in their portfolio have gotten jobs, but why me? Why me?
My family has dysfunctional since my childhood, abusive dad and mom who loves me and her sole life revolves around me. He may have calmed down, but my relationship with my father is hard to explain. He is there, that's it, helps me financially, never asks what happened, never intrested in my life. He loves in his own way. My mom, on the other hand loves me too much, she had rough life, loved one but had to marry other who is way older and different from her. I love her and hate her too, and am guilty to hate her, and maybe love her more than I do.
My childhood has been tough, shouting, screamings, unable to properly mingle among others, too navie, too outright, too honest and too stupid.
Along the way, I started ignoring stuff, my feelings, my thoughts and my opinions.
My mother wanted me to be a doctor, she wanted to be of service to the society, she has a good and selfless heart, my mother who is naive and too good for this world. So I became a doctor. She wanted me pursue it internationally, another country. So I did that too, but now getting a job and waiting so long. Showing that I am not good enough, I can never be good enough for her. I don't have the body she wanted her child to have, I don't the character and cheerfulness she wanted, I don't have the enthusiasm she wanted. Too much like my father, she would say. With that sad face.
What good are you, other than studies.
Why can't you fall in love and get married.
Why don't you want to excercise.
Why aren't you getting a job yet.
Why don't you start working here then.
Why ? Why? Why?
The worst part, it breaks me everytime, she cries. Everytime I get angry and say something that hurts her.
I asked her one-time in a fit of anger. How come I can't speak to you as speak to me, don't you know it hurts me too. She said, she sacrificed her life, her everything for me, why can't I understand her. Where her words her coming from, no matter how brutal.
True.
But they hurt. And I am guilty for making her said, for making her cry and for making her anxious, and for making her have child that is not good enough.
Maybe, in another lifetime.
I was asked a question once, when I was in school by a friend, the same question she has been asking everyone, a silly one. "If you had a chance to wish for one thing, what would it be?"
I didn't answer it, but I know. I would wish I have never been born at all, to spare my mother of this agony, to spare my mother of this shackles of this relationship and marriage.
I ask the same question every year, the answer remained the same.
I wish she had a child who was successful, who was lovely, cheerful, bright, beautiful and smart, like her. Guess, I am too much like my father.
I wanted to fall in love, but I don't have the confidence that someone can love me.
I..I feel like...like a...I don't know, I can't explain this feeling, like something stuck in my heart and chest.
Too tired to live but too much of a coward to die.
I love life, I have seen many people die, their family begging to save them. It's too precious.
But I am simply too tired,...I want to be free, to feel the air, the nature and be one with it.
Sorry, to take up your time and if you made this far. Thankyou for listening my friend.
I guess I just wanted to say this to someone.
And I can only do it here, manga and fanfictions have been my escape since a long time. I read them to quiet down the noise of my everyday life.
Thanks guys(⌒▽⌒)