beta
like i never understood people who want to mess with people who are clearly disturbed/not right in their minds, especially if they've clearly shown how insane they can be. i used to be friends with this one guy at school, he's pretty chill generally but has extreme anger issues (have stabbed people with small pens and pen knives and have shown temper tantrums). some ppl would mess w him and i never understand that cuz he'd kill you if given the chance so like....why. like leave him alone omg no survival skills whatsoever
i remembered reading this arc years ago and just forgetting to pick it up again. i'm rereading it and i seriously cried so much...i was already tearing up and crying reading the arc, but the part that really got to me was when gaeul said that hamin showed her that death isn't as simple as a sad moment. and that's what hamin showed me too. i've had suicidal ideation for almost half of my life (i had a really difficult childhood - bullying, SA, parental issues) but recently it's been coming back a lot. i broke up with an abusive and manipulative ex last year, and i'll spare the details but long story short i was sexually abused by said ex. the betrayal and shame and everything else i felt made the suicidal thoughts i've always tried to kept at bay come back. and what gaeul said about not wanting to break/destroy the people i love really struck with me. i sobbed and cried, my eyes are so red and puffy now. i love life and want to keep on living, but sometimes my throat clogs up and my chest hurts with everything. i never want to make my loved ones ever feel an inch of guilt over my life if i were to die. i just hope the world is kinder to me. just a little bit.