Want To Have Fudanshi Bf

I am depressed with anxiety and social anxiety. I hate everything bout me and I have sudden surges of self hatred and self harm. Sometimes I’m fine and sometimes I’m staring at those scissors and have to fight myself to not pick them up. I don’t tell anyone cause I don’t wanna bother them and honestly I don’t wanna talk to a therapist. I just need some advice to help me fight the urges off better. I’ve gone to therapists for being caught cutting once and since then have considered cutting in hidden places. I sometimes have twisted thoughts about certain things and the only reason I haven’t tried to kill myself is cause I wanna keep helping people. Please tell me what I should do. I haven’t told anyone about this I’m just looking for some advice not therapists they pry to much into my life and I don’t wanna talk to them any help is appreciated. Thankyou for reading this.