Unpopular Opinion

I've always wanted to get older, but now not so much... I like the idea of getting older and having my own place and a stable job with independence, but I'm just in the awkward college still sort of a-kid phase. Growing up I was always the youngest in a situation and I feel like that's all I could really offer. I just finished my first year of uni and now that I'm entering my second year I won't be "babied" anymore since I'm not a first-year my age is really hitting me. And I know it sounds stupid cause technically I'm 19 and not quite "old" yet, but I feel like I'm at a turning point right now. Like something is changing. I don't know. I hated being a kid cause I had a rough upbringing, but I'm clinging to the past like a lifeline. It's pathetic, but I feel like I have no more excuses for how underdeveloped and how stupid I still feel now.