Am I mentally okay

*trigger warning*


I am sexual assault victim it happened a few years ago it was someone in my family and no one knows. I feel constantly paranoid and afraid. Whenever I hear his name I feel panicked. I always felt like I had to be the best for my sisters and mom. Whenever the abuse towards me would happen I would run to his younger sister. We would do things im not proud of, I think what happened to me is something I deserved. I now feel unmotivated to do anything. My grades and attendance is failing, it wasn't like this when i was in school my grades were amazing. I want to stay in that time before i started to feel like this. I cry at random times, i try to never cry in front of anyone even my best friend. She knows about my sexual abuse and helps me at times. I feel like such a burden I hear a bunch of voices in my head telling me things. I know I won't k1ll myself but at times I want to. I can't properly talk to people without being scared if they actually don't like me. I prefer to be alone and forever alone. I can't give love to people properly. I feel ugly and fat, everytime I try to fix myself it goes wrong. I also don't feel my body is right, I want to be seen as a boy but I feel that I can't because I like feminine clothes and cute things. I feel like a huge disappointment. If i was just my old self i would be more loved. I don't really think anyone is going to see this but writing it out makes me feel really happy thank you to whoever reads this ╹◡╹