I'm Cesur: I hate being gay, I accept it, but I don't like it.
Before I start this rant I'm gonna preface it with I'm 18 I've already accepted the fact that I'm gay and known for the past 6 years now ,I even started reading yaoi.
My problem stems more from the fact that my personality doesn't fucking fit with this shit. I understand completely that I'm gay, I like men. Sure. I'm never gonna pretend that I'm not gay and if someone asks I'll tell them, but fucking hell.
I don't enjoy spending time with groups of women, I have some amazing female friends who I love dearly but hanging out with women is not fun for me, especially when I hear that "OMG YOU'RE LIKE OUR GAY BEST FRIEND" No. No I'm not, thanks for reminding me I'm gay completely out of the blue and also somehow trying to turn me into a badge. Now I'm not even your friend... This pisses me off because in all pop culture a gay mans refuge is basically in his pack of girl friends. Great. I like hanging out with guys. Not because I'm sexually attracted to them but that's who I find fun to hang around with, playing video games, going to the gym,literally difference between men and women in conversation and humor... it's so different.
Eventually there will come along that one straight guy in the group who I do find attractive and I'll spiral into a fucking pit of trying to seem as unpredatory and disinterested in him as possible and also pining like a fucking 13 year old.
Then there is social events in general (I'm also an introvert but I can present extroverted) , literally everything from clubs to work there seem to be people looking for relationships (Understandable since we are all human and want companionship). My problem is with things like dances and such, there is nothing for me there. For example, I have a girl come up to me and strike up a convo, I talk with her and dance for a bit, realize shes flirting, and my options are A: Say "sorry I'm gay" and if I misread the situation then I look like an arrogant asshole. or B: Continue until she realizes I'm not gonna make a move and she goes off to find another guy.
Both options make me feel uncomfortable and pissed off that I have to do this in the first place when I know if I was straight that an opportunity for a relationship basically just presented itself.
If I was gonna initiate flirting with a guy I don't know I'd have to find out if he's gay first, and "Hey, are you gay" gets me a punch in the face or worse, so not an option.
I don't hate myself,or homosexuality in general. It's just not me. I hate the constant effect it has on my life, the ever present inconveniences, the little things that build up over time. Then all the older gays come flocking to these threads with "It gets better. You'll find a nice guy. Keep hanging in there", like thanks guys I appreciate the sentiment but I know I'll eventually find a guy and I'll love him and he'll love me yadayadayada the point is we shouldn't have to suffer through all this bullshit in the first place. Sacrifice in the pursuit of happiness should apply to meaningful things like your career and family and shit not in the very first step of the dating process.
I want a relationship with a guy but I don't want to be gay. My thoughts are so messed up. I'm just really tired and sad. Gonna go drink some vodka and try to sleep now. Idk how this will be received but I needed to write it somewhere and if another guy or girl can relate to how I feel than I hope they know they aren't alone.
Messages
Hey, I don't intend to bother you and I apologize beforehand if I come off as rude (english is not my first language).
Also, I want to start with: if you only wanted to lay this off your chest and you're not really seeking for "words of wisdom or comfort", that's pretty okay, it's healthy for people to vent out about what they're feeling instead of just piling it up and repressing it. If you want some advice...,
As I see it, you're in all your right to feel annoyed by the way you have to deal with normal things as hanging out with friends or acquaintances, or showing romantic interest in people just beacuse of your sexuality. The way I see it, it's really the conception that people have of being gay that annoys you, rather than the fact of you being one, as you previously said. It may be hard to try to change people's point of view about what a gay person does or says or thinks, since it has been greatly influenced by media and is something that has been prevailed over years. That aside, you shouldn't feel satisfied, and is normal that you feel annoyed by it. Something that you should try is to point out when a comment as "our gay best friend" makes you uncomfrotable. Obviously you don't have to say it like "hey, don't say that you bitch" because you will only seem an ass, but more like trying to point out, that you don't want to only seem perceived as a gay person in the group, that you have more things to be known as, since your friends are not just your "straight friends".
Try to make that comparison in a sensitive and calm way, also, it could help if when making this confrontation you have a friend that understands you and can help you out in making your point. Remember that is important to let people know how you feel an if they are making something bad without knowing, help them to grow and change. If they don't take it good, or tell you that you're so emotional and whinny over it, give it time (change takes time and effort, but don't push it) or just find another group of friends. As a fellow introvertive, I know is hard to find new people, but they are out there, you just have to keep it up and continue, also, you will feel so much better with people that like you and respect you for who you are (not that your actual friends don't do that, I don't know them)
As for the romantic part..... sigh. It really is hard to find someone that loves you back, not just for lgbt people but for anyone. Like, if a guy likes a girl (the most common example) they could also come off as a creep if they approach incorrectly, or be rejected if the girl doesn't like him, or viceversa. It can really happen to anyone. Now, i know lgbt people has it harder because of all the misconception that people have of them, or because of all the homophobia, but let me tell you, you don't have to worry. If the guy you confessed to doesn't like you back, it's not the end of the world, wrap it up and move on. If he calls you a perv or other harmful names, better knowing now what kind of guy he is and avoid him than keep yearning for him. Don't be afraid to confess. Obviously you have to built up a relationship to reach the point where both parts are in the same tune, both have to fall in love, and you can know when a persson is in love with you (the way he acts, speaks to you, the attention he puts to you). Also, you will be surprised with the amount of gay people or biseaxuals that exists, it's just that most are still in the closet or on denial or try to avoid explicitly saying it. Just as you said, it could end wrong if you just go "hey man, are you gay?", you can try to sort it out with little hints, like, how you knew you were gay... or maybe, if you know the person is someone reasonable, try in private asking them how they would feel about dating someone of the same sex. Don't explicitly ask about "you", but something as in, a regular talk. It helps if you are already out of the closet, but if not, don't pressure it and just play it cool as a normal person.
Also, for the advances of girls on you, just say that you're not interested or that you already like someone else, you don't heve to excuse yourself and explain "I'm gay". I mean, I prefer to pretend to be oblivious when someone I don't like is making advances on me, but if you don't like it, just confront it, remember how I said that there will be people that wouldn't like you or doesn't want anything of the sort, the same applies for them. Just, don't say it out of the blue as in "she talked to me nicely, she must be in love with me" remember, read the signals and be polite.
I apologize for the long response (to be honest, I don't think you read it all) but I wanted to help out, since this a situation in which I find myself sometimes. This is a "small" and quick advise that I have, but if you can find someone close to you and that you can TRUST, to discuss over what bothers you or to just vent out, I think thats better (it doesn't have to be someone you know in person, an internet friend or something else works).
Remember that gay is not a personality, but is one thing that makes up your personality, and that the only thing it stands for is "men that like men", not any of the strafalarius things people add to it.
Have a nice day ヾ(❀╹◡╹)
-Sigh- you really have it rough don't you? (⌒▽⌒)