How to have stable mental health but have priorities straight in life

I really dont know what to do. Idk why I came to mangago for this but I have no where else to go and these question forums make me feel comfortable for some reason??? But anyway I came to vent and ask if anyone can relate. I started off this school year strong. Last September to January I was super happy and doing really well in school. But then something happened. Idk what it was but there was a flip in me. I developed an ed that I didn't know I already had. I was working out and eating a protein day a bar and this was around when I was doing great in school and super happy. But was also ignoring all my feelings and bottling them up because I didn't want them to get in the way of my AP exams. I was super focused on college and the future and stuff. I started to get overwhelmed and then started binging and going crazy. I felt disgusting and sick. I would terrible about myself but force myself to my schoolwork bc thats what I prioritized at the time. I eventually just broke and then starting late February early March I told myself the binging had to stop. I then went restrictive but then ofc I went crazy and was binging and it was just too much. On top of that my parents are really restrictive so that didn't help. I would just get triggered everytime I went in my kitchen. I tried working out but that was fuel to the fire. I tried to overcome my ed situation by sitting down with myself and trying to find root of why I was doing all this and I came to the conclusion of wanting happiness. Being skinny made me happy but eating also made me happy. I tried to find an alternative to starving or overeating and I found some things like anime, kpop, word searches, valorant. I wanted put those sad ,frustrated, irritable emotions into something else, and thats what I did. I was essentially redirecting my emotions. I then got obsessed with all of these things but I don't think getting into kpop or anime was right for me at the time and even now. Unfortunately kpop fueled my eds terribly. I know its not their fault but seeing the beauty standards and finding that a 25 year old 5'6 woman is almost 30 pounds less than you who's a 15 year old 5'0 girl is very very disheartening. I would also watch my favorite animes and feel disgusted by myself. I think it also got to a point where I was watching the animes and kpop videos as motivation to keep up the work to see my progress. Of course this would lead to insane binging after. I think one of my worst binges was waking up early on a school day (WHICH I NEVER DO) to eat a croissant with a chocolate chip cookie with 2 ice cream scoops and a waffle with syrup. I ate all this like twice. These were also the days I would weigh myself every single morning. I set myself up for the rest of the day. I was just to tired of the cycle. I was so depressed. Also school played a very big factor into this. I was in a class with a teacher and the question health over school came up. I was the only person who choose school. He questioned me and I explained how my future means everything to me and I cant risk anything taking that away from me. Once I said those words aloud I knew I wasn't ok. I had to change something so I could answer health the next time. All of this was happening while I was in school so I would ignore these behaviors. I was doing sports and clubs as well. It led me to further ignoring my problems. I saw people taking breaks for mental health and decided I should try it. Not just for mental health but physical health as well. I did this and I will say my binging greatly improved and I learned to workout for the purpose of myself and my health. Not to be skinny or meet the standards of something. Through the process of binging and starving I did gain a couple pounds but for someone like me who would weigh themselves multiple times throughout the day that was enough to do some unspeakable things. But anyways I finally gained some stability. I was working out and learning to eat intuivitly and ditched the scale. I was doing great. But during this whole process my grades dropped. In the process of focusing on my happiness my grades plummeted. I was in deep shit. My parents were on my back, my teachers were constantly bugging me, I missed so many clubs, my coach contacted me and my parents countless times. I felt like I came out of heaven to drop into the hell I was once in but worse. I was so fucking stressed and experienced anxiety for the first time in my life. I was independent with everything before so this was the first time I needed help with school. I had no idea what to do. I had finally gained the happiness I so long strived for to have it almost instantly taken away for me. I got overwhelmed and I wont lie kinda lazy. But I was getting suicidal becasue it felt like everyone was against me. I haven't been suicidal since 7th grade and that was a very dark and unhappy time in my life. The fact I was even contemplating is scary. I really wanted to kms. I once discussed this with my friends and one of them said she would to do jokingly. That backfired terrible. Luckily I saved myself but AP exams are coming up and my chem grade is shit. I then realized I have to prioritize school over anything to do well in it meaning I have to ditch mental stability. Ive been starting to binge and Ive been feeling really sick lately but I wanted to end the school year and the start the summer with happiness and health. The opposite is happening right now. I went to my friends for help with my ed but one of them said Im doing it for attention. She said jk (just kidding) right after but I cant help but be bothered by that. I know she meant it as a joke but it had me thinking that maybe I didnt have one and I am asking for attention? I overlooked my ed and went with it thinking I just have a big appetite but after I while I knew that wasn't the case. Only one of my friends is considerate with stuff like that but no one really listens. I constantly bring up weight and figure and eds as a call for help thinking theyde figure it out. Sometimes I straight up ask for help but I just get ignored. I told them idk what to do or where to go to. What do I do to control the urges. Of course no answer. I love them but I get my issues disregarded and think I have to go through this alone but I know I need help. I went on a drive with my parents and sibling and I tried to hard to not driving in the middle of the intersection multiple times. For the the entire time the stoplight was red I was contemplating the life of myself and family. All throughout the drive, this happened and we were out for an hour. It might be intrusive thoughts but its starting to get dangerous and Im scared. Idk Right now Im just trying to get my grades in shape becasue this is the most unmotivated and unfocused I've been in regards to school and idk what to do. Im starting to binge as well and Im freaking out. I feel alone and have no one to go to. I just wanna be happy but also do well in school? Is it so hard to have a balance of both. Idk maybe Im being dramatic but Im losing myself and I truly don't know what to do.

I don't think anyone will read this but if anyone will just say something pls. Ill really appreciate it. Sorry this was long af.
Also should I put trigger warnings for this??????


I have a huge assignment and quiz due in less than an hour. The assignment requires like 2 hours to do. Fuck me ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ