Fucked up

Sorry for sharing this on the internet. I don't have the privilege to afford therapy.
Do you sometimes feel that people conditioned you to be guilty when they don't receive things or emotional compliments every time they did something for you??


Also, one time, while we were taking lunch, some asked me if I am depressed and I didn't answer since she's my mom. She didn't do anything about it and acted as she experienced worse than me. She manipulates and makes guilt trips to everyone. She also doesn't like Muslims and treats Gay people as entertainment. She loves to makes inappropriate jokes about them and it hurts me since I am a closeted Bisexual. I was an abused child until 14, and if I didn't isolate myself from them, they'll never acknowledge my feelings, not as they do.

I still love my parents, especially my mom. I accepted all her wrongdoings before because I want peace of mind in our house. I have the worse anger issue but because of them, I'm trying to control it so that I won't hurt them through my words. I never want to hurt myself but realizing everything they did, I want to run away. But they'll be sad when I'm gone. So please share some positive advice to make it until I finished college. That would be a huge help for me.