I don't understand why...

Am I not skinny enough? Am I too ugly? Am I too tall? Am I too annoying? Am I too dumb? Am I too carless? Am I too lazy? Am I too boring? Am I too problematic? Am I too emotional? Am I toxic? Am I cold? Am I bothering you? Am I just a toy to you? Am I just a stranger to you? Am I a study machine? Am I supposed to be honest about what I'm thinking? Am I supposed to show you everything on my phone so that I won't have any privacy? Am I supposed to be dead? Am I supposed not to be born? Then why did you give birth to me? I didn't asked to be born you won't fucking listen to my thoughts you fucking force me to do things I don't want to you made my life hopeless and completely miserable and because of you I can't have any friends because of you I got bullied at school because of you I started to hurt myself because of you I tried to kill myself because of you I have to suffer from different types of mental health
Don't force me to go outside I'm scared of them they will look at me and my body they will cat call me they will stare at me as if I'm just a toy for men to play with they think that a girl is just an object to continue giving birth they will see my face they will laugh at me I'm not who I am anymore I don't know what's going on I don't understand myself I can't control it I'm tired of holding it for a long time but you won't listen I want to finish of but there's still things I haven't finished I haven't finished my anime yet I haven't finished reading all the fanfic, manga, manhwa, manhua and novels yet I haven't finished watching my donghua yet I still haven't fall in love yet I still haven't have someone to rely on yet I haven't found my true friend yet I haven't finished everything that is important to me yet I haven't finished the ending of detective Conan yet but I just wanna leave everything and sleep peacefully forever and forever so that I won't have to do everything I want to be a cold hearted person so I don't have to feel everything so deeply but how?