Why are you scared of love?How does it feel for you? (etc/closeness)

Why are you scared of falling or being in love, or something similar? How do you feel when you're scared of it?


I've never really cared about being in a relationship, I always have excuses as to why I can't be in one or why I don't want one. I constantly flirt around and blatantly tell people I don't get crushes/etc. I've only had one serious one, really the only person I've ever WANTED to date. Of course in the end, I broke it off. Like, I've had a lot of people ask me out and I always just say no, no thinking in evolved (except with her).

Even when she asked me to date her, I wondered if I should say no because I was so scared (but I couldn't let anyone sweep that lovely girl away). You may wonder, how were you scared? There are many reasons.

Before we started dating, I was always scared one of us would get hurt and I didn't know if I could bear being the one who would hurt her. Although, I think I got more hurt than her in the end. I always was nervous to voice jealousy or appear, 'selfish' I only voiced concerns when it physically made me really upset (she used to do things to make me jealous on purpose so I'd be more possessive. Even tho I hid that side of me a lot). I almost always put her feelings before mine except when I really needed someone (ie on depressed days etc).

Then when we started getting really serious, I panicked. Like really badly. She would talk about marriage, kids, the future, she was a planner. Sometimes it was fun thinking about seeing her in a gown or cuddling a kid on the sofa, but most of the time it wasn't. I felt trapped like I could be more free without a relationship. I constantly felt as if I was a bird in a cage that had been tamed, even when I wasn't that as she was mostly supportive of my hobbies/etc. We were long distance so that didn't help. I worried about if I'd accidentally cheat on her. I know that sounds horrible and I would've never done that (I have control plus she was my baby..), but I still worried. I worried to the point that it was the reason I broke up with her.

I couldn't handle feeling: Trapped. Worried for no reason. Or how scary it was to basically 'trust all of me' to her (I have some trust issues in the way, I hide parts of myself. I can fully trust someone else, but I can't trust myself to them? Does that make sense?)

So I broke up with her with a lame-ass excuse, even convinced myself that I didn't like her when in reality it took me months to get over her/lots of depressed days/some drinks.

I really think I have some form of commit issues or just that I'm scared of love, I don't know.

Anyways, please remember that love, although scary, is also healing. It helps you. Even when I was terrified of being with her, etc, she still helped me get over my lingering depression about my body and encouraged me. Even now, months and months later, me recalling that someone pretty liked my smile or my dorkiness; helps me feel better.