My life is getting really messy

When I was younger, I'd just use mangago and read comics n study m that's it. I never involved myself in any form of relationship w men at all.... N a year ago n started dating someone, it was a sad experience... Feeling of being ignored, unloved, n not being in ur lover's priorities list was really sad n depressive state. I broke up w him in august n in that state, as i was trying to cope w it, a dude proposed me n i just accepted it without knowing much about him. A month of dating him n i was fully drained. He's constantly get jealous n be controlling af. It was totally opposite of my first relationship. After that i broke up w him. I had to really cool off my mind after that, i had a frnd whom I'm talk w sometimes n he's been a friend; it's been a year, n just recently, we got really close. Usually he'd tell me not to fall in love as such w him, but now he doesn't do that... We used to talk quite frequently n now I'm starting to have feelings for him maybe. He treats me like a gf, but also really shows me my place as 'just friends' time to time. I would've never opened my heart out to him if he'd said. I did disclose my feelings a lil bit, but tbh, he already knew about it. Last night, we were talking n he asked about my date w my first bf.. i hesitated but told him everything... I said it was past, n I'm sorry (idk why i apologised) n then he said why am i even explaining to him, we're nothing more than frnds n to not act like I'm his gf or something... I was really upset about that... I decided not to talk with him anymore... Idk if I'm right or no, but i guess it's better for me to avoid him.. although I'm really used to spending time w him, talking w him. It still doesn't justify how he sometimes hurts my feelings, saying hurtful n mean stuffs. It's not like I asked to be his gf or something...? I just enjoyed his company, but i have to stop.. otherwise I'll end up being depressed n sad again. I wanted to keep our friendship at least. I've stopped using mangago like before, i barely check my notifications, let alone any new manhwas. It was better when all i did was read comics n study. Why tf did i ever think dating n loving someone was a good idea?